Little Miss Disaster
by AsianOne
Summary: What you'll find in this fic: a certian insane red head with an obsession for green skittles, a bipolar, zit prone Hyuuga, and a pink haired girl who values pie over life. NejiSAKUGaa. Slight HakuSAKU.
1. Welcome to high school

**Little Miss Disaster**

**Yup, My very first SakuraXNeji fic with some GaaraXSakura. So, it takes place in a prep school, yada, yada, yada. Basically, just another high school Naruto fic. Except, Naruto probably won't even be in it. Now, that I think about it why isn't it called Gaara? I mean, come on. Über sexy beast up in here! Plus, when it comes down to it the whole damn series is really about him. Well, I that's what I think. Hmmm. Maybe Neji, They should rename Naruto: Neji. Nice ring to it. I would so read a comic that was named Neji, I think we _all _would. Admit it, you would...**

"Hello. I know you all are so happy to be here!" The sunburned overweight man in a dress suit chuckled, sharing yet another lame teacher jokes. I groaned.

'Where the hell did they get this shit from?' I thought as I eyed some hot seniors' ass.

'Sweet.' I smiled dreamily to myself.

"Another school year is here," The balding fat man made his hand in to a fist and swinged at the air in enthusiasm, "and I know everything is going to be just great!" He finished.

I rolled my eyes. What a fatty.

"Everything will is going to be just great!" I mimicked, "What a fucking loser. Great for you, fat man. You'll just be shoving Twinkies down your throat while I write term papers 'til my fingers FALL OF-" I stopped myself when I felt everyone look at me.

"Umm...Sorry uh wireless headset for my phone." I apologized.

Most people just looked at me strangely and turned to the rambling principal who was sweating buckets of what from the looks of it seemed to be butter. Ewww.

I wander around the auditorium, looking for a friendly face or at least someone who wasn't covered in acne. It's hopeless. Everyone separates in to their own little groups. The jocks, the cheerleaders, the nerds, the ugly foreign exchange students, the hot foreign exchange students, the skanks, etc, etc. I am outcast. Being new to this school, I am alone. I left all my old friends behind, in public school. I once again, scan the crowd for a fellow new comer. No such luck.

Finally, classes could begin. After all, that's why I'm here it is school. And yes, I actually like school, its hella lot better than listening to fat man rant. On the top of my schedule paper it read _English_. I silently cheered, not wanting to have a repeat of what happened this morning; English was one of my favorite subjects. I'm a nerd, I know.

"HURRO! WHY YOU NO SETTLE DOWN?" Said the teacher. I sighed, oh the irony of it all. A foreign lady, fresh off the boat from _China_ teaching _English_. Isn't this supposed to be a "good school"?

"Settle down chirdren." Said the lady, who I was guessing was named Ms.Loveyoulongtime.

"Prease carr meh Ms. Tyreesha. No rike the rast name it sound like rorr over and die in Chinese. (A/N get it? it's the lady from Headfirst for halos), today I put you in _assigned_ seat." Ms. Tyreesha said, pronouncing R's in words as if they could take the place of L's. I liked Ms.Loveyoulongtime better.

Alphabetically Ms.Tyreesha went down the list of names. Everyone in the class, I skipped a grade because I was smart.

I sincerely hope they're nice to me; I have this thing where I really don't feel like having a janitor come to scrape my body off the halls with a spatula.

"Sakura Haruno? HURRO? Your seat over hea! I carr you ten time arready! Gee whiz!" Ms. Tyreesha grumbled. I moved quickly to the seat, making sure to put my head down as I walked, trying to become invisible.

"Neji Hyuuga. Take seat next to Haruno." Ms. Tyreesha ordered.

I looked up, just for a second or two. I gasped.

Neji Hyuuga was one gorgeous mofo.

"Hey." I said nervously.

"…." Was his response; not that he said period, period, period but he just didn't say anything at all. He cocked his head at me.

"Why are you so ugly?" he said, seriously.

I grrr-ed at him.

"Why do you look like a woman?" I said, haughtily.

"If I were a woman, at least I would be a much prettier woman then you are." He shot back.

"Why are you so mean to me? You don't even know me." She looked like she was on the verge of tears.

"You're annoying." He sighed, opening the text book as Ms.Loveyoulongtime tried to teach us Spanish.

"THIS IS ENGLISH!" everyone screamed except me and Neji.

"No hablo englis." She said, not an L sound in her whole sentence.

I sighed. This was going to be a long class.

"Welcome to High school." Neji said, sourly eyeing my look of contempt.

I hate English.


	2. A day in the life of Sakura

**Little Miss Disaster**

_Hi! AsianOne here. Today I just had to update I hadn't in so long also, maybe you don't need to hear this but I felt like I should share with you that my um sort of boyfriend(if you call constantly making out a relationship), Bradley, we were making out for like a REALLY long time that it wasn't even funny. But after we stopped it was. It was pretty weird._

"I AM NOT A GUY!" I screamed as soon as I saw my dorm room. The whiteboard on the door read Tenants: Gaara, Haruno, Hyuuga

"Motherfuckers think I'm a guy!" I muttered to myself, walking to the administrators' office, hoping to fix it up.

"So, you're not a guy?" The admin-ass-trator questioned.

"Is this not obvious?"

"Well, for starters you have no chest; however, the long pink hair throws it off. You gay?"

"No, I'm a girl, you jackass."

"Bullshit! Look, man I'm sure you're confused about your gender and all but I don't have time for this. Take this crap up with your therapist. Your registration form says Male, therefore you are apparently male."

"I'M NOT A MAN! I CAN PROVE IT! DO YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT!" I screamed in his face.

"Oh God no! Look, as much as I'd like to believe you I don't feel like seeing your carefully hidden testicles. Please just go to your dorm."

"Fuck you!" I spat.

"You're not allowed to." he fake-smiled, "Please just go back to your dorm." He smiled again, showing me to the door.

I flipped him off and stormed out of the office. Loud enough for everyone in a two mile radius to hear but soft enough so security wouldn't come out and taser me.

"You're a guy!" was the first word to come out of Neji's mouth when he saw me sitting in front of the tube, painting my nails.

"Of course. Why else would I be here?" I said flatly.

"OH GOD! I-I WAS THINKING OH JEEZ! AHH!" He groaned in disapproval.

"Shut up. I'm a girl. God, why does everyone think I'm a man?"

"Oh? So you are a girl. Well, I mean your chest has something to do with this issue..."

"AGAIN WITH THE CHEST! My chest is perfectly normal for a girl!"

"Yeah, like a five year old girl." Neji added, looking at my chest, up and down.

"FUCK OFF!" I spat in his face.

"Well, if you insist." Neji said, unbuckling his pants.

"OH GOD! THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!" I covered my eyes for the dramatic effect.

"No, there isn't. There's just a man-woman with a chest of a five year old." Neji shrugged.

I felt a cold hand grasp my wrist

I turned around to see who touched me, only to meet my other roommate, Gaara. I shivered as his eyes met mine. Rumor had it that, Gaara was sent to this school as punishment for killing his parents. I never really believed it, though. If you killed someone, punishment such as, sending you to school, where there is _more_ people (to kill) wouldn't really be likely. But I believed it now. The way his eyes bored in to mine, the way his cold flesh seemed to mend with my own, at that moment I would have believed anything.

"Where do I dump my shit?" he asked, his hand still attached to my wrist, his other hand motioning to a big bag. I shook his hand off and he rolled his eyes. I frowned, God, he was such a punk.

"Dumps are taken in toilets, and then toilets are flushed to get rid of the shit." I said in my best kindergarten teacher voice and rolled my eyes right back at him. Gaara and his little love tattoo. What a faggot; boohoo a tattoo that says love on his forehead Gaara is such a badass. Big fricken' deal. Inner Sakura instantly scolded me. _You know, you think he's hot. _She twirled a strand of pinkness around her finger _you can't really lie to me, I'm basically you. If I think he's hot then so do you. And I do think he's hot, although I do prefer guys with eyebrows but for this certain hottie I'll make an exception. _

"Good for you" I muttered to her, under my breath.

Gaara rolled his eyes again, and then dumped his bag on my lap.

"I'll just dump my stuff on the rest of the shit."

I frowned at him.

"Gaara since you're here why don't you go flush yourself." I made my eyes in to mean little slits.

"Shut up." He said, and then gave a sympathetic nod to Neji, who was studying my nail polish, "Is the bitch always like this?" Gaara asked.

Neji nodded, "She's even worse when she likes you."

"Excuse me? Whom do I like?" I demanded to know.

"Me" Neji snorted, attempting to paint his pinky hot pink.

"As if!" I scorned him, snatching the bottle of nail polish away from him.

"I know you think I'm hot." Neji said, sighing.

"Actually, I think you're gay."

"Whatever. Goodnight, Freshmeat," he paused and looked at Gaara.

"Gaara." Gaara said.

"And Gaara, I'm going to hit the sheets." Neji finished.

"It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon." I reminded him.

"I said, goodnight Freshmeat."

I looked at Gaara, who seemed to be lost in thought.

"Gaara says nighty-night keep your asshole tight." I teased both of them, simultaneously.

"Don't make me do something we'll both regret." Neji warned me.

"I thought you were saying goodnight, Neji." I reminded him, sticking my tongue out.

"Better put that tongue back in your mouth before it's in mine." Neji said, sternly.

"PERVERT!" I shouted.

Gaara looked amused. .

"You find that funny, No-Eyebrows?" I shrieked, turning around at Gaara.

"You're funny looking." He said.

"Ugh! I'm going to bed!" I shouted.

"It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon." Neji mimicked.

I stomped out to the bedroom. It was a nice bedroom, frilly curtains and matching carpet. One thing was wrong with the picture. ONE BED!

Neji, that sneaky bastard wanted it all to himself.

"I call the bed!" I shouted to Gaara and Neji.

They both groaned. Maybe this school ain't so bad after all.


	3. A day in the life of Neji

Little Miss Disaster

It started out as another English class where they don't teach you English. It ended as something that ruined everything that I had built up since my freshman year. And I can blame all that on Sakura Haruno.

Sakura Haruno is certainly not your average girl. She's not a fan girl. She's not a hater. She's both at the same time and on top of that, a fucking genius. And it doesn't hurt that she's hot. I'm afraid to say that, even in my head. It's social suicide to be _me_ and think _She's _hot. But I do and once I make up my mind I can't change it. Not even once. I ignore the English teacher who tries to teach us Spanish. I don't like the woman but at least she doesn't come on to me like the all the other teachers. Yes, male teachers, included. It was freaky at first, but now I've grown used to it. I realize I'm just sexy like that; I have an affect on all genders; male and female alike. _ She _taps me on the shoulder. I turn around to meet her gaze.

"Neji?" She asks, softly.

"Hm?"

"Can I borrow a pencil?" She blushes slightly.

"..." I don't answer her. I just stare. I want to believe that if I stare at her long enough I will be able to know what it feels like to touch her. Feel her skin. Feel, the smoothness of it, admire the paleness that was in contrast to her eyes. Emerald globes you could get lost in. The kind of eyes that made you want to stare in to forever. I wanted to know what it'd feel like to caress her hair. Outline her cherry lips with my fingers, just to see if they're as soft as they look. I wanted to do all these things but as I'm sitting here, staring, I'm wondering if I'm even _allowed _to touch her. She suddenly smiles and notices my intent gaze. She stares back. Her face inching closer to mine by the second. I stared some more. Her lips slightly parted. Her eyes half lidded. It seems like we're the only ones in the classroom. I could feel my heart pumping blood through my body, letting me know that I was alive, and that I hadn't died and gone to heaven. By that time I knew what she was going to do.

"Sakura" I breathed her name. I could feel her warm breath on my lips. She leaned in, about to close in the gap between us. And that's when she disappeared and Ms. Tyreesha stood in front of me.

"HURRO? HYUUGA? I CARR YOU TEN TIME! WHY YOU NO RISTEN? STOP SLEEP DREAMING ABOUT HARUNO AND MOAN HER NAME PAY ATTENTION!" Ms. Tyreesha screamed, pulling a lock of my hair. Ms. Tyreesha huffed and glared at me.

_She _wouldn't look at me. Everyone in the class stared at me in shock and fascination and an angry Chinese lady just pulled my hair was now glaring at me, no doubt, plotting my murder. Thank you, Sakura Haruno. I hope you're happy with yourself, because this is what you do to me.


	4. A day in the life of Gaara

**Little Miss Disaster**

History bores me. During these first five minutes, in the two hours of living hell I have to endure I've tried to eat my knee, committed mass murder against the ant community, and mentally made a map of Oklahoma on the back of some guy's head.

"Gaara? I said partner up with Haruno." the old history teacher softly said, afraid to look me in the eye.

Instead of answering I stare at him and had a long, mental talk with Inner Gaara, about what it'd be like to fuck a dead person. Not something I recommend you do. After several suicidal attempts to kill myself with a Strawberry Shortcake folder that had been lying on the floor (Hey, after wondering what'd be like to fuck a _dead_ person _and _staring at a person who is almost _dead _you'd want to kill yourself too) I got up and walked toward the pink haired girl. She stared at me with her wild green eyes.

"Well?" she asked her hands on her hips.

I stared at her, uninterested, paying attention to Inner Gaara and the subject matter in my head.

_So if you fucked a dead person would you get arrested? Is that even legal? _

"Um? Hello? Hi! Still here waiting to be answered." She said, looking irritated.

_Wait, how **would **you even screw them? They're dead! Whoa. _

"Never mind. I don't need an answer."

_It would suck if you were gay and you tried to like screw another guy..._

"Just sit down already!" The small girl demanded.

I glared at her and made no effort to listen to her constant whining.

_That'd be really hard. I'm glad I'm straight. But that's off the subject, **why** would you to screw dead people?_

"Gaara? Hello?"

_I mean think about it, usually dead people are old or fat or a mixture of both. _

"GAARA!"

_Oh God. Thank God, I don't wanna fuck dead people. _

"GAARA?"

_What a pain in the ass that'd be. Speaking of which, if I were gay I think I'd get tired of anal pretty quickly. _

"GAARA!"

_Then again **nobody **likes anal..._

"GAARA! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!" A very angry Sakura screamed, looking very, well, Sakura-like.

I looked down at her,

Sea foam green eyes glinting in anger.

_Gay people only do anal because that's all they **can** do, right?_

"FINE, DON'T SIT DOWN! SEE IF I GIVE A DAMN!"

I glared and made my eyes in to the littlest, meanest slits as possible.

"I'm thinking. Don't interrupt me."

She snorted, "And I'm talking; so can I please have your attention?" she said the last sentence as if it were more of a demand than a request.

"Yeah, sure you can have it I'm not using it."

She rolled her eyes, "I hope that was an affect of your meds wearing off and not a lame attempt at a joke."

"Actually, I didn't take them this morning" I said, truthfully, pulling out a package of skittles from my pocket and opening it.

I poured a generous amount in my hand. I picked out the orange ones and threw them against the wall. The orange suck. She stared at me. Hmm. Pink Hair. Green eyes. Not something every girl can pull off, but somehow she did it without looking like a hooker, or like she was trying too hard, or just flat out looking like an idiot.

"Shall we get started?" She finally asked, staring right in to my eyes and at the same time, grabbing a skittle from my hand.

"Those are **mine**" I growled.

She rolled her eyes, and stuck her tongue out at me, a faded green skittle on the end of her cherry red tongue. I lunged myself at her, trying to pick up the skittle that sat on her tongue with my fingers. It was no use; she had hidden it somewhere inside her mouth.

"Haruno don't make me do this" I spat.

"Do what?" she asked innocently.

Her eyes gleaming with a competitive glow, a smirk planted firmly on her lips. I smiled at that; I'm going to love breaking that grin off her face.

"Do what?" she repeated, her smirk getting a bit wider. I gripped her head with both hands and mashed her lips against mine, instantly plunging my tongue in her mouth. Probing her mouth with my tongue, I searched for the missing skittle. I found it hidden under her tongue; I gave it a lick, coaxing it to dance with mine. As soon as it began to move I wrapped my tongue around the small treat and pulled back, her face flushed, her arms trembling, her lips swollen. I opened my mouth at her, a once green but now white skittle on the end of my tongue. She turned away from me in disgust. Hey, I just wanted my skittle back. I'm really not as crazy as I seem.


	5. Oh my fucking god He has a penis

**LITTLE MISS DISASTER**

It really couldn't get any worse. Gaara had practically just shoved his tongue down my throat to get a friggin' Skittle and Neji...How exactly would you say what Neji did? But the day definitely did get worse. A lot worse.

Biology was never really one of my better subjects. I hated it enough as is. But after the balding lady with the, ironically as it is, extremely hairy upper lip assigned us teams of three to do a essay on the _reproductive _system. At first glance, the assignment, innocently written on the chalkboard may have seemed like an ordinary project for a senior biology class. But it wasn't. I was half a centimeter close to screaming at the lady. But I kept my cool. As long as I didn't get the kid who eerily looked exactly like Justin Timberlake or the really fat kid that has bigger man-boobs that are the size of my head. And that creepy wannabe emo kid. He scares me. I'm planning on not talking to him ever, but if that plan fails I'll be forced to be nice to him. One day, I fear he might bring a gun to school and just start firing off rounds at people who pissed him off. Or I dunno cut himself because I won't accept him or something? Whatever, the point is it's better to stay on the good side of an emo. Other than those three complaints, I was holding up pretty good, only mildly glaring at hair woman. That is until she decided to assign teams **alphabetically**. As usual it was Haruno, Hyuuga, and Gaara. This school was obviously not big on 'H' last names or people who actually have last names. I should have known it was going to happen. Even though I totally counted those two out, thinking, well, God loves me and I've had enough shit from both of them so there is no way in hell They'll both be my partners. Worse case scenario, one of them will be in my group. I had no idea both would be on my team. Shit like this always happens to me but I get angry anyway.

"Satan put you up to this, didn't he! That bastard!" I muttered to hair woman under my breath, my voice daring only to raise only just above a whisper even though I was ready to scream. I reluctantly moved my chair to the table where both of those smug bastards were sitting. I sighed. Neji was staring me down again. Gaara, well, was eating skittles again. He smirked as his eyes met mine and popped a green Skittle in.

"Why are you staring at me?" he said, still smirking. He knew damn well, why I was staring at him. Neji frowned.

"Sit, Haruno" he said coldly, locking eyes with me before motioning to a chair.

This was so uncool. Doing a project on the reproductive system with two guys, one of which, who shoved his tongue down my throat for a Skittle. And it was a green Skittle. Green Skittles aren't shove-your-tongue-down-someone's-throat-good. The other guy was in I-hate-everyone-mode and that includes me; especially me. And these two guys just happened to be hot. Like, look-up-hot-in-the-dictionary-and-you-see-their-pictures-hot. That just didn't really help the situation a bit. I can't bring myself to look at Neji. Or Gaara. But Gaara seems all the more friendly.

"The Skittles are good, here, have one" his smirk gets wider as he nudges a green Skittle toward me. I turn my head.

"It's not poisoned, you know," he skims the surface of the desk with his fingertips and picks up the green oval, licking the top of it, "delicious. I just love the green ones. Don't you, Sakura?"

I shake my head profusely, "I **HATE **the green Skittles."

Gaara shrugs and turns to Neji, cocking his head at Neji, "You, fag-boy, why aren't you running your mouth like usual?"

Neji's stoic expression turns dark.

"We need to begin," he says coldly, "green Skittles have nothing to do with how babies are made."

Gaara's grin practically splits his face, "Oh really? Nothing to do with how babies are made? Sakura and I almost proved that theory otherwise, last period, didn't we?" He turned to me.

I felt the color drain out of my face. I could almost see the steam coming out of Neji's ears. Gaara casually began chewing on another Skittle, "If I hadn't pulled us apart, someone named Sakura wouldn't be a virgin right now." He yawned, as Neji's expression changed.

"You? A penis? Almost screwing Sakura? Che. You're too gay to be on _Will and Grace_." He snorted.

"You're too stupid to be on _Jackass_!" Gaara fired back.

"Okay, the two of you will never be on TV. Are you both happy n-" I said, but was cut off by Neji. "That's funny, though, Gaara. **You** _almost _screwed Sakura. There's a prize project on reproduction right here, I can see it now: How a woman could reproduce with a man that has no penis." Neji gave a dry chuckle.

"_I'm _gay! I'm not the one obsessed with my penis." Gaara retorted, popping yet another Skittle in his mouth.

"Yeah, you're gay! You were more interested in the _moldy drapes _than your _female roommate _taking a _shower._"

Oh I so did not need to hear this conversation. It will only end in blood and crying men.

"I, unlike, you have some dignity. I don't need to force myself on women t-"

"I **DO NOT **force myself on women!" Neji screamed, interrupting Gaara. The hair woman came to break up the screaming boys. Unfortunately, she has shit for brains and didn't think to split us up. Damn school, hires anyone to teach these days. That bearded bitch should go back to the circus. Even _Ms. Tyreesha _knows if two male students don't get along you should sepperate them. Especially if they're Neji and Gaara. In less than five minutes, along with several pleads from me for them to get along, they were back to fighting. And we still have that damn essay to do on the reproductive system. Like I said, Biology was never really one of my better subjects.

**_Hi! Its Christian for once. Me and Lauren are by ourselves in Oahu for a week-this trip-is my families birthday present to her. So we're typing new chapters and shit on her laptop. We could have done this at home. But anyway, its pretty fun here. The mall is walking distance and there's a Starbucks with wi-fi internet connection and a hot blonde guy working there. Tight jeans. Long hair. Eyeliner. Hottie! Well, more updates later I have to go pry Lauren off the counter where our lattes are. God forbid she tries to rape him. -Christian_**


	6. He raped me!

**Little Miss Disaster**

"FUCK IT! FUCK THIS STUPID ASSIGNMENT! I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF YOU TWO ALWAYS FUCKING FIGHTING! WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN! IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD!" She screamed at me and Gaara.

I wonder if she knows how contridictary that statement was. I looked over at Gaara. He shrugged. This must happen a lot. Psh. Women.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THIS CLASS! HELL, WHILE I'M AT IT: FUCK YOU, YOUR FAMILIES, AND YOUR FUCKING COWS!" She continued while we stared at her in wonder. She's very amusing when she's angry. I don't believe I own any cows either. The teacher rushed over to see what the matter was. Sakura immediately quieted down. I heard a squeaky voice whisper,

"Um...Wireless headset for my phone?"

But the teacher didn't buy it. Hell, did _anyone _buy that one?

It didn't matter. We were still together and it was obvious that it was going to stay that way. Under normal circumstances it would be bearable. But these weren't normal circumstances. We have to read our essay in front of the class in ten minutes. And Gaara is currently having a bitch fit about Skittles while Sakura is snapping out and ranting about how us, our families, and our cows will die. I'm the only one working on the project. So far I've written down: _The reproduction system is..._

Gaara says something that might be:

Lord Neji, my master how may I assist you with the writting of the essay?

But probably was something like:

I had incerdibly kinky sex with Sakura and Skittles were involved.

Sakura jumped up and slapped Gaara, much to my approval and then said something about green Skittles. Again.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT GREEN SKITTLES!" I finally snapped, finally losing my cool.

"You're just jealous" Gaara stated calmly.

Of course I'm jealous! If a girl, especially a interesting girl, perfers a **gay guy **to myself I'll be pretty damn jealous!

"I'm not jealous I just want to finish this project" I hissed at him.

"Finish it then," he scoffed, "It's not like we're going to pass this class anyway"

"But I want to pass!" Sakura pouted.

"I want my shoe phone back but there's no way that's gonna happen" I pouted back.

"Time to present!" Beard woman barked. Knowing our luck we were probably first. We weren't. For once I thank the alphabet. First, it was that Justin Timberlake look alike and the fat kid that has man boobs the size of my head. Chances of a wardrobe malfunction seemed slim, as his boobs were safely tucked in his shirt but unfortunately, quite visible. We can't always have exactly what we want.

Our turn was up before we knew it.

"Haruno, Hyuuga, and Gaara; you're up next" Beardwoman suddenly screamed to distract our class, that was frozen in horror due to Justin Timberlake's twin about to rip off a piece of the fat kid's shirt. For that, I am eternally grateful. Until I realized we have practically nothing on the paper. Sakura, for once looked alarmed and shot me a worried look. Gaara stood up and calmly walked up to the front of the class as if our paper was Newberry Award winning nominee. While Sakura nervously teetered up to the front of the class, right behind me.

"Well?" Beardwoman asked, in her annoying, demanding way.

"The reproduction system isn't going to explain itself" she said.

"Um...We would like to present our essay in the form of a skit. Thank you." Sakura said. I shot her a I'm-confused-look, as did Beardwoman.

"What do I do?" I whispered.

"I'm the doctor and I'm explaining to you and Gaara that you're preggo" She whispered back.

"Spagetti sauce?"

"You are having Gaara's kid." She said slowly, as if I were some kind of retard.

"Fuck no! Why do I have to be the woman?" I nearly shouted, glaring at her.

"Because. You said you'd be a prettier woman than I am." She reminded me. She has a point.

Beardwoman ahem-ed "Are we starting?" She said.

"Yeah" I said, still glaring at Sakura.

"Good News Ms. Hyuuga! You're having a baby!" Sakura said with fake enthusiasm.

"That's impossible! She hasn't eaten any babies!" Gaara exclaimed, trying to make this as hard for me as possible. When I become president he will be forced to watch that Nick Lachey _What's Left Of Me _music video for the remainder of his life.

"Mr. Gaara? Are you the father of this child?" She asked but was smirking at me.

"Yes. I think." He said, smirking at me also. Grrr.

"Then why haven't you been filled out about the birds and the bees?" She asked in a teacherly voice, "You see, Mr. Gaara, when a man and a woman," she glanced at me, "_Love _each other _very _much, _physically _outside of a _bar,_ they preform a _special _'hug'. That's how babies are made." Sakura grinned. She is the devil.

"You're a terrible hugger, no wonder I got pregnant." I scoffed at Gaara in a deadpan voice before turning to Sakura.

"Dr. Haruno? I'm not really all that comfortable around **_male_**," I****drew the word out, "doctors. I thought I should let you know I'm not coming back to you. No offence, I just feel less comfortable around doctors that are **_male_**." I plastered a hideously fake smile on my face and turned to her. She gritted her teeth and glared at me.

"Ms. Hyuuga, I think that you'd probably be a lot more comfortable with me if I didn't opperate on you for gender correction surgery." She smiled icily.

Oh no she di-in't. Imma flip my bitch switch and kill her ass!

"Nejina! You should of told me that before we preformed the 'hug'!" Gaara smirked again. What a fuckass. Yes, I said fuckass. He didn't take his meds again and that led to him ganging up with Sakura on sexy-ole-me. And for fucks sake, that's not fair. But I can play that game too.

"It wasn't a consensual hug. He raped me!" I said in a all knowing tone, dramatically covering my face with my silky, perfect, hair. Beardwoman gasped.

"He grabbed me and preformed the hug! I told him to stop. But he wouldn't listen. So I told him use protection! Use protection! But the condom didn't fit! He was too small! Now, I'm carrying his third child!" I fake sobbed. Who says watching two hours of Maury is a waste of time?

Gaara sent me a death glare that would have killed me and all the kids in Cheaper By The Dozen. Yes, even the fag who looked like the kid from Jerry Maguire. Not a fan of that movie either.

Sakura shot me a not as deadly death glare and marched right over.

"Ms. Hyuuga what's your problem?"

"I have a demon fetus living in my stomach, sucking the life out of me" I informed her.

The bell rang.

No one in the class moved.

"What are you lookin' at? Do we look like an episode of _Days of our lives _to you?" Sakura snapped to the rest of the class. The class ended. Lunch began. Lunch ended. A new class began. The day went on. It sucked. On the bright side, I've aquired as many nicknames in one day as the foreign exchange student who peed in the trash can did in three years. Fag-boy is my personal favorite. It's original. How many nicknames have you heard that have fag and boy together in one sentence? I used to think 'Sexy' was a good nickname for me. I hate people.

**_First things first, I did not rape the hot guy at Starbucks. I repeat, I DID NOT rape the hot guy at Starbucks. I did propose to him but no, I DID NOT rape him. I mean, jeez, is it a crime to lust after the only hot guy in every Starbucks I've been to in the state of Hawaii who has gotten my order correct? When I say a half-caf vanilla latte no foam. I mean NO fucking foam! Oh and also, sorry for the late update! We've been busy because we decided to stay in Oahu longer so we had to get new tickets and move in to my friend's apartment because paying for the room is getting expensive and we're only twelve and our rents spoil us (except my dad. He hates me. I could be drinking and doing heroine and he'd be like if you get in jail I'm not bailing your sorry ass out.) So they said we could stay longer: we live in Kauai so Oahu is like an island away; it's not a big deal. Christian, the bitch, has her own credit card. Let's just say, on Oahu, to all the cashiers in Hot Topic I'm known as Christian. We love it here! It's fun we're living with our other bff, Kyle and his Grandma who's a couple fries short a happy meal if ya know what I mean. He's gay so we're all constantly fighting over hairdryers and make up. I believe he borrowed my jeans once and cut holes near the crotch; I was like thanks, jackass I might as well wear six inch stilettos and a corset cone bra while I'm at it. I threw them away, in case you're wondering. I hate Kyle's boyfriend he's a little bitch who owns a red fishnet man thong. This is not my fault if you become terminally ill after reading this. He refers to me as Short One and Christian is Dog Face. Don't taunt me, all you over five feet! I'm not growing! Me and Christian have been a kid's size 14 since like fith grade. And for the last time Christian is not ugly! Christian is the sexiest thing since slliced sexy. _**

**_Guys here are hot, even if a lot of them are gay. They're the shit though! We have made so many new friends. But you know what's weird? A lot of people tell me I resmble Hello Kitty but I don't see how I look like Hello Kitty and neither does Christian. (People also have said I look like that Asian chick from Miss Seventeen. I shudder. Christian says she sees no similarity. Praise the lord.) But looking like Hello Kitty is good and bad. Good, because Hello Kitty is very cute. Bad, because, let's cut to the point: no one wants to fuck Hello Kitty. Oh God, that's disgusting. But I don't like to sugar coat it. Makes it harder to face later on in life when I'm old and lonley, sorrounded by a million cats. _**

**_Anyway, how ooc was everyone in this chapter? Oh well, we're happy with it. It's long. We like. Please review! We want to hear what you think and how we can make this fic better! _**

**_Love and pitchforks,_**

**_Lauren_**


	7. Crouching drag Queen Hidden Faggot

**LITTLE MISS DISASTER**

"Gaara, when I get back I do not need you in the bed. The bed is mine. MINE!" she said, while putting on make-up.

I didn't answer, I was too busy wondering if her hair was natural. You want the carpet to match the drapes, if ya know what I mean. Know what I mean?

What? I'm still a guy.

"I know, you're not happy with the couch but I mean, really; you're not going to need the bed. You don't sleep, therefore you have no need for a bed. I, on the other hand sleep and I'll only be out for a couple of hours. Which is why the bed is _mine_." She said spreading some white stuff on her face.

I scoffed, I've seen drag queens wear less make-up. I reached for the strudel she tried to hide from me underneath the sink.

She slapped my hand, "not until after dinner. I want you to be on the couch by 8 or there'll be no cartoons on Saturday, understand? I'll be back by 11." She said mothely-like, rushing out the door. I sighed and plopped down on the couch. Fag-boy sat a safe distance away from me.

He stared straight ahead at the blank TV screen. Then I noticed something. It was huge, orange-red-ish, unpleasant, and greasy. No, not Carrot-top. Neji Hyuuga had a huge zit on his forehead. It's massive like Mount freaking Everest. And bubbly. Another way it's like Carrot-top. On the bright side, the zit doesn't seem likely to pathetically hit on women and advertise a phone service. Thank God, the world does not need another Carrot-top.

"You're staring at the zit aren't you?" He said nonchalantly.

I froze then backed away. The bastard's on to me. I shuffled to the bathroom and closed the door.

"I know that's what you were staring at." Neji called from the couch, sounding like a self concious sixteen year old. I knew I should have taken my pills this morning. Then again, when I met Sakura I knew I'd have to start paying for life insurance but did I do that? I don't think so.

"It just won't go away, you know?" Neji started to sob. Who would've thought that this 'bad-boy' would crumble so easily over a zit? Well, how would I know? I have perfect skin. We can thank Proactive skin treatment for that one. I know, I was skeptical of it at first. I couldn't trust Diddy on that but if Kelly Clarkson says it works that's good enough for me. She was on American Idol, you know.

"A-A-AND THEN IT POPPED OUT OF MY F-F-F-FACE! IT'S LIKE A SECOND HEAD!" Neji bawled, pouring out the whole story to me while I ignored him and studied the bottle of bright pink nail polish. I considered painting my nails but I think I'm more of a peach kind of guy.

There was a knock on the door. I power walked to answer it. It seemed like a perfect plan to ditch Neji's bitching. But in reality it was God's way of punishing me for being too sexy. Heh. It's not like I can help that.

I answered the door. It was _another_ guy that kind of looks like a girl. Great.

"Hello!" He said bubbily, carrying two large color coordinated suitcases.

"GO AWAY!" Neji screamed to him from the couch.

"I'm 'fraid not. I'm your new roomie." He smiled an all knowing smile and held out a hand for me to shake, which I did not take. He's polite, has a well-kept appearance, and long, shiny,hippie length, hair. Looks like child molester to me. Or if my gaydar is correct, he's about as straight as a circle. He left his hand out for me to shake for about ten minutes then walked in to the living room.

"Hiya! I'm Haku." I heard him say in the next room.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'M HIDEOUS!"

"Shhhhh. It's okay, it's okay It's okay." I heard Haku say soothingly to a near tears, screaming Neji.

"A-A-AND IT WOULDN'T GO A-AWAY!" Neji blubbered.

I tuned the voices out and headed straight for the bathroom. It's like Crouching Drag Queen Hidden Faggot. Strudel sounded good at the moment. _Everything was going to be okay_. _Okay like toast and jam. I like toast. And I like jam. So toast and jam is very okay,_ I told my self, _I will **not** be raped_.

"It's gone! That shit is amazing!" Neji gasped.

"I know, I was skeptical of it at first. I couldn't trust Diddy on that. But if Kelly says it works that's good enough for me. She was on American Idol, you know." Haku said in a matter-of-fact voice. No comment. I'll just lock the door. I can stay in this bathroom all night if I fucking have to.

"Gaara! The zit! It's gone" Neji yelled.

I panicked and practiced everything I learned when I wasn't ignoring the teacher in health class. _Right. When another person is touching you in a way you don't like to be touched kick them in the balls and haul ass. _Somehow that did not seem entirely correct. I guess watching two hours of _CSI: special victims unit_ gives you a warped sense of reality. That would explain why I decided to blow up the ceramic cast of Spongebob Squarepants Neji hides in his closet. But hey, anyone that _yellow, hair-less, square, and toothy _you might as well tape a sign on your shirt that says '_sex offender'. _I ended up chanting the only thing I remembered from Health. _No means no. No means no. No means no. No means no. No means no. 1-800-IVE-BEEN-RAPED hotline. No means no. _

My mind chanted like a mantra while I ate strudel, still fresh from under the sink.

"Well, now that we've got that problem out of the way, naked Twister, anyone?" Haku asked.

_NOMEANSNONOMEANSNONOMEANSNONOMEANSNO_

my mind chanted faster and louder.

"Um. Actually, I have somewhere to go to...Right now." Neji quickly said, no doubt, making an beeline to the door.

I tried to rip out the toilet to baracade the door. I'm so screwed; the porcelain bitch isn't budging.

"Is anyone in here?" I heard Haku knock on the door. I gripped the toilet harder.

"NO MEANS NO!"

_Another OOC chapter. I can't help it. They're so fun to write. And I need fun. I'm like PMS-ing majorly here. I swear, does anyone else think they should box tampons and chocolate together? That'd be great. It'd save you a trip and maybe Tampax can make it like a bargain. That'd motivate me: tampons cheaper with it packaged with ten bars of chocolate in one handy box. Plus, maybe the cashier won't look at me strangely anymore. I think I'll write a letter to Tampax and let them know of my genius._

_Well, anyway we now have a livejournal. It has like previews for the next chapter for this fic and my other fics, your FAQ's answered, and other good stuff. There's a link to it in our profile or you can go to:_

_www (dot) poptart fiend (dot) live journal (dot) com_

_No spaces of course._


	8. Pimp my Stegosaurus

**Little Miss Disaster**

_Hey. It's Lauren. Do any of you know any really good fics? I mean, I know a lot of 'em but I hate waiting for updates. If you want me to read and review any of your fics or if you know any good fics let me know. Yesterday, I was the first person to go in the movie theater! The second person was Christian you have no idea how hard it was to plow past all the ugly people bowing down to the entrance of the movie. But I was all stealthy ninja on everybody's asses so we managed to get there first! Yay for me! Because I loved that movie soo much! I wattched it seven times in a row. yup, you can say 'woww' now.-Lauren_

"We have a surprise for you, Sakura." Said my dad, his Harry Potter glasses glinting in glee, his seatbelt confining his short stature to stay still in the front passenger seat. I grinned. My mom slammed on the brake, haking and sputtering, throwing her lit cigarette out into the incoming traffic.

"What surprise, Richard? We dun not discuss a surprise," she said between gritted teeth, she glanced back at me and gave me her best 'trailer fabulous' smile, chipped front tooth included, "Sakura, hun, don't listen to your daddy. No surprises, kiddo. The pony had died on the way to the airp-"

I cringed.

"Nancy! You know" dad cut her off and raised his eyebrows up and down.

"Ohhh," she winked at him, "this time I dun myself a favor and brought protection."

Under normal circumstances I would be disgusted beyond all reason. But I all I can think is, why doesn't everyone own a Stegosaurus? It seems to me like they'd be the most brilliant alternative fuel sources known to man. And may possibly save children every where from car rides like these. Plus, Pimp My Stegosaurus can only prolong Xzibit's career and that man has very nicely defined biceps. The world could quite possibly come to a staggering halt without those biceps.

"We're here!" Dad cheerfully said, unbuckling his seat belt as mom took a long drag on her cigarette.

I gasped "oh daddy! I've always wanted my own Zippy's." I squealed and hugged him, giggling and bonding with him in that annoying Seventh Heaven way.

"No, it's not the restraunt." Dad said.

My smile shrunk a little.

"It's better than that" he said, holding the door open for me.

"Sweetie pie, we dun got you a husband." Mom interrupted, smiling like she won the lottery.

My mouth went slack.

"Sexy piece o' man isn't he? I wouldn't mind tapping that." She slurred in her usual trailer trash tone of voice pointing directly in the front of her. "You make sure to have plenty a grandkids. " Mom swooned.

I couldn't move. Or speak. I could barely think as it is. One word came to mind. Or rather, a name. _Lee_.

"HOW COULD YOU!" I screamed at my father, my left eye twitching at the thought of pink haired kids running around in skin tight green jumpsuits in serious need of a good eyebrow waxing. OH GOD WHY!

"Hun, are you blind or jus' stupid? he's a hunk o' man." Mom snorted, lighting up another cigarette.

I found myself lost for words.

I jumped up and down and waved my arms frantically, "jumpsuit! eyebrows!"

Mom thought for a moment.

"Eyebrows? Jumpsuit? Sugar lips, whatchu been smokin'? I don't see any-" she cut herself off when her eyes were greeted by the self proclaimed 'sexy green beast'. The cigarette fell from her lips.

"M-m-m-mamama. M-m-m-m-mamama. M-m-m-m-mmamama." She sputtered, standing there, shocked and disgusted as Lee pranced over to the cash register and promptly hit on the reciever. Lee wriggled his eyebrows and licked his lips, winking before seductively putting a after-dinner mint in his mouth.

Mom gulped, snapping out of her trance. "No, no, hunny bun the guy that was behind Nightmare." She said, refering to Lee.

I squinted my eyes and frowned. I couldn't see anything behind his head.

"Are you ready to be seated?" A waiter with the name Dennis sewn on to his apron asked.

"Oh yes, yes," dad smiled good naturedly.

"The rest of your party is here, sir."

We made our way to the table. I gasped in horror.

"There he is!" Dad cheered. I nearly fainted.

"Hi, I'm your fiancé. I don't believe we've met." He smirked. My mouth gaped open, because yes, we have met, and yes, he was not Lee. He was worse. He was Neji.

"Y-You're m-m-my fiancé?" I managed to speak.

My parents grinned to one another.

"Isn't she just a doll?" Dad sighed contently, as mom bent down to lay her head on his shoulder

"I remember when I had my first arranged marrige." Mom added.

I, on the other hand have no clue what is going on, but a stegosaurus would be good about now. Then it hit me full force.

"YOU'RE ARRANGING MY MARRIGE!" I screamed.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time" dad whined.

I didn't feel like mentioning that's what he said the time he sold our car for a case of peeps and a bottle of coke.

"Please explain." I demanded, crossing my arms and tapping my foot expectantly.

"We owe his family money," he glanced at Neji, "remember the time I sold our car for a case of peeps and a bottle of coke? Do you remeber how I got the money to get the car back?"

I thought for a moment. How_ did_ we get the money?

"The money was borrowed. But when the money needed to be collected we didn't have it. So surprise! You're now the wife of a very wealthy heir" He finished.

Strangely enough, I was thinking about River Dance. What better time to be dreaming of Irish dance? And their rhythmical pounding went so well with the unbearably loud pounding in my temples. I rubbed my face quickly and shook my head to clear my mind. Irish dancers gone, check.

I turned to face Neji, "You! You knew about this! Your whole Mr. Asshole act was all a lie and the whole time you knew I was your fiancé! You knew and you didn't tell me! You lied!"

It all made sense now, why I was in his dorm, why I had all my classes with him.

Neji shrugged, "but I didn't lie. I just avoided the truth all the while being a snappy dresser."

"Damn you!"

"For being a snappy dresser?"

"For not telling me! Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded.

"It's not my fault, working 'you're my fiancé' in to a conversation is kind of difficult."

"I kill you! I kill you dead!" I screamed.

"Have you ever considered therapy?" Neji asked, filing his nails.

"Have you ever considered suicide?" I shot back

Neji snorted, "why are you so angry? Most girls would be dying to have an arranged marriage with _moi_."

"Go ask them then." I fumed, glaring at my parents.

"Trouble in p-" mom started.

I cut her off,"Purgatory? I don't know what you're talking about, mom. I love it here. Here in lleh, my own dyslexic paradise."

It took her ten minutes to register the first word before she mouthed 'family meeting'.

I made a dash for the exit, mom and dad closely behind.

"Mom! I don't want to marry him. If he's so sexy he shouldn't have to pull this arranged marrige shit." I whined. Mom lit up another cigarette and took a long drag.

"You have to marry him. We promised." Dad said

"I made a promise to sleep with Johnny Depp but did that happen?" I snorted.

"Hey, I did too!" Mom squealed.

"He's got split personality syndrome," dad interrupted; that wold explain a lot, like his, "the Hyuuga family needs someone more stable to support their business." Dad finished.

"Oh so not only am I having my own marriged be arranged but now I'm in the mob and to top it off my future husband is a psycho!" I rubbed my temples in frustration.

"Did you ever try and follow up on your promise?" Mom asked me; it takes a great mother to ignore your worldly sorrows.

"Sakura, you'll get to know Neji better and by then I think. Just think Campbells. Condense. And remember that four letter word." Dad said, smiling sadly that his precious little girl was going to be married off to some freak.

"Hate?" I asked

"Love. You'll learn to love him so the rest should measure somewhere in between diddly and squat."

Love? Ew, corny. Three guesses he's been reading those self help books again.

I heavily sighed and bolted back to the table.

"This doesn't change anything." I told him.

He shrugged and began filling the coffee sugar sweeteners in to the salt shakers. Mom and dad returned soon after.

Our waiter stepped cautiously up to the table, eyeing Neji

"Have you decided on an order yet?" He asked, moving slowly as if not wanting to alarm a wild animal.

"Can't I just get a second to look it over?" Neji answered angrily.

"You've been here for an hour!" The waiter had his teeth clenched and I inconspicuously moved the steak knife on our table under my plate.

"You've sent me away three times!"

"I'll take the BLT, thank you," I told him politely.

Neji snorted disapprovingly but gave in. "I'll have the chicken sangwich, hold the sangwich."

"I'm not really hungry." Both mom and dad said in unison. It's creepy when they do that.

"So, Sakura do you sleep with someone on the first date?" Neji casually asked, taking a sip of his water.

I spit out the pepsi my mouth once held. I blushed profusely while attempting glared at his suggestive expression.

"This _is _not a **date**." I wiped the pepsi from my chin, disgusted.

His eyes narrowed, "hey, **ugly**, _you _were coming on to _me_."

Neji barely looked down at his chicken and the side of vegetable soup before pushing it back at the waiter. "I don't mean to alarm you," he said. "But there's a tiny Mexican in my soup."

"Excuse me?"

"Well you can't expect me to eat this!" His voice grew increasingly louder.

"Because of the tiny Mexican?" The waiter with the Dennis name tag's face grew dark red and his double chin quivered violently.

"And this glass is too rectangular. I can't possibly use it."

"Neji," I warned him, my parents looking a little like scared animals.

"If I don't make a stand, who will!"

I sighed, "next time you decide to make a stand chain yourself to a tree."

_Neji with split personalities-_

_An excuse used by AsianOne to write more OOC chapters _

_or_

_an ingenious plot twist vital to the story._

_You decide. Although, I quite honstley can say I hate this chapter. I'll try harder next time._

_READ AND REVIEW SO THIS FIC WON'T SUCK._


	9. There's no 'share' in 'pie'

**LITTLE MISS DISASTER**

_Hey. We're updating because today, July 11, 2006 is Lauren's birthday! Yay! This update is a birthday present for everyone! So if you haven't reviewed before please do! It'll make her happy. Think of it as a birthday review!-Chrisshi-chan

* * *

_

My parents are trying to marry me off to some schizophrenic freak, who happens to be my roommate, who happens to be a fucking idiot and I'd rather get hung by my _eyeballs _from a 40 story building than spend more time than necessary with him. But give me a second to care- right now my priorities are strictly devoted to balancing a silver spoon on my nose.

"Dessert, madam?" Dennis asked.

"Yes, one bowl of Neapolitan ice cream." I told him politely, the spoon still on my nose wobbling but there.

"I'd like some apple pie" Neji sneered at Dennis whose double chin was still quivering.

Mom passed out on the floor next to the table as dad was trying to find a bathroom to wash his hands in. Typical. I guess that means no dessert for them.

"I don't know why we're getting married, honestly. I mean who wants to get married?" He snorted.

I raised my hand, "um I do. Just not to you."

He ignored me and took a swig of the ice water, "yeah, people get married but after like a year but then they get divorced. The only people who _really _want to get married are the gays. I mean, they're _protesting _for it."

I gasped in disgust, "Neji, my uncle is gay."

"Good for him. I wish I was gay."

My stomach seemed to shrink 20 sizes and the food I consumed earlier was probably on it's way up my throat about now.

Neji looked thoughtful, "if I were gay I'd be like sorry uncle it's against the law for me to get married; too bad!"

I scooted nearer towards the wall. Neji now had his head cradled his in his hands, "but I'm just a 17 year old straight male stuck with a ugly girl he doesn't love. Hasn't my uncle ever cared about how I feel?" He choked, wiping his teary eyes repeatdly, "sorry, my allergies are worked up in this harsh enviroment."

I was disgusted. Has the thought ever crossed his mind that maybe I don't want to marry him either?

"But take the good with the bad, right? You maybe ugly but that means you won't be cheating on me anytime soon." Neji wiped the remaining tears from his eyes and had the cornersof his lips turned upward.

I was starting to wonder if I was quiet enough maybe I'd manage to sneak away without him noticing.

"Ma'am, your ice cream." Dennis said placing the bowl by my side. Dennis made no comment when he placed Neji's plate of pie by his "too rectangular" glass of water.

My eyes lit up as I visually traced the steam coming from the piece of pie.

"I'd like some pie." I seductively told Neji, batting my eyelashes at him.

"NO! NO! NOOOOO!" He pounded his fist on the table to further prove his point. Ha. As if he'd need to. I think by throwing his little bitch fit was a point enough. Imagine: Neji Hyuuga, sterotypical badass throwing a hissy fit over a piece of pie.

"Why not? Sharing is caring." I reminded him, still batting my eyelashes.

"There's no 'share' in 'pie', Sakura." Neji said, crossing his arms looking very much like a stubborn four year old.

"Fine, be that way," I started, removing the precariously balanced spoon from my nose,

"but answer my question: why do they make Neapolitan ice cream with strawberry? Nobody likes strawberry ice cream. Everyone just eats the chocolate first, then the vanilla, and eventually they just throw the strawberry away. Not only is it detrimental to the confidence of strawberry ice cream everywhere, but I'm sure it is most definitely the primary motivator of terrorist groups worldwide."

Neji shrugged and uncrossed his arms.

"I want the strawberry." He whined. I moved my bowl from his reaching hands. He slid in to the booth seat next to me, forcing me to curl up against the wall he shrugged and continued to taunt me with the eating of his pie.

"Always the proactive one, Sakura" dad said, returning from his epic adventure of the finding of the bathroom.

"Proactive? I just don't want to eat the strawberry ice cream. And the guilt is tearing me up inside."

"I'll have it" Neji offered, looking up from his half eaten piece of pie.

"No, you won't" I scoffed.

"But you don't want it" he whined.

"And yet, I'm eating it anyways." I stuck my spoon into the bowl of ice cream to prove my point. It may taste like artificial crap, but it's_ my_ artificial crap. Serves him right from thinking I'm rational. Plus, he wouldn't share his pie. I stared at the mealting pool of strawberry ice cream. He scowled at my bowl.

"You really weren't going to eat that, were you?"

I sighed,"it tastes like Star Wars."

"Too much wookie?" Dad asked.

"And not enough Han solo," I finished. Neji smirked, satisfied that my dessert wasn't as good as his. He let out a big content sigh.

"Well, thanks for dinner, Mr. and Mrs..." he trailed off as he saw my mom passed out next to the table,"Sakura's parents. My sangwhich was pretty crappy but my pie was good" he finished. Yeah, I'm so kicking his scrawny ass. Dad tried to smile. I scowled at Neji.

"I swear, Hyuuga when we are back in the room I will remove** all **of your appendages and shove them straight up your ass." I muttered under my breath.

"What was that?" Neji smirked, obviously heard what I said. Dad shot a warning look at me. Dad still thinks I'm into pink ponies and princesses he doesn't know that I curse.

"I had a nice time," I covered nicely.

"You know, we could stop off at our house before you all head home." Dad said, winking at me. OH GOD. Anything but the mobile home. It's decript and ancient. My _great-grandma_ died in there.

"No, actually, he can't. Neji, has to go teach blind children how to play basketball" I blurted out.

"Actually the nuns just called, it's a miracle, the kid just ran into a wall and he's better now." Neji smiled sweetly at me.

"He was blind," I growled at Neji.

"Yeah, and now he's better." He countered. Dad looked puzzled as he slew mom's drunk, unconcious body over his shoulders.

"Let's get going then" Neji said cheerfully.

Smug bastard.

"You _will _regret this, Hyuuga." I whispered darkly.

"What was that, Sakura?" Neji asked with fake innocence in his voice.

"Oh nothing" I said between gritted teeth.

* * *

_Yeah, okay I lied. Neji does not have split personalities he's bi-polar now. I think I took it too far but oh well! It was hella fun writing it. Yay! I'm 13. Review for my Birthday! _

_-Lauren_

* * *

**-Preview-**

I was amused as I observed the contents squished in to her bedroom, if you could call it that. It looked as if though she could barely fit the bed in. I stopped looking as my attention was caught by a panda bear. I picked it up off her bed.

"Hey, put down Mr. Wrinkles!" She shouted.

"Mr. Wrinkles?" I cocked my head.

"Yes. Give him back!"

"No." I held it up above her head.

"You can't do that," she gasped, "that's like taking away Snowy away from Tin Tin."

"Do you solve crime with your panda?" I asked.

"Only on Tuesdays."


	10. You know?

**LITTLE MISS DISASTER**

**IF YOU DIDN'T wish me a happy birthday then Johnny Depp won't show up on your doorstep with a dozen roses like he was planning to. Meh. That's as threatening as I get right now**

_Okay before I say anything else I just want to give major props to gin-inu for updating for my birthday. That was so awesome of you! You've made me and everyone who reads 'Irony Thy Name is Sakura' day. Thank you so much! _

_Anyway, I saw Pirates eight times now. The 8th time was the worst. The movie was great, don't get me wrong, even after eight times but Chrisshi-chan's mom decided to make us bring along this girl, Mariah from church. Now, I love my God (Jesus Christ, to let you know) but this girl, she was too much, like one of those kids in those Worship Jamz commercials or something. Everywhere we went with her she'd bring her mini-Bible, ipod and speakers with her. On her ipod: nothing but Christian rap, audio excerpts from the Bible, and country. Once, Christian was singing Bad Day by Daniel Powter and Mariah snapped at her. She said that's the devil's music. So what are the odds she'd do anything like that in the movie? Ohhh. You think you know but you have no idea. Okay, so half way through the movie and she's lecturing me, and I quote: "That wouldn't have happened if Jack Sparrow just listened to Jesus." Or "Elizabeth is going to the fiery depths of hell for cheating on her Will; adultery is a mortal sin." _

_I mean, I have no problem if people feel really strongly about their beliefs but not while Johnny Depp is on the screen! I was like: Shut up, watch the damn movie, put your Bible down and get your hand out of my popcorn, bitch! It was too bad Christian held me back from going Jackie Chan on her ass. This Mariah girl is home-schooled, isn't allowed to like a guy ("Jesus is the only guy you'll ever need"- a quote from Mariah's mom who ironically is married) and can't go out past 4:30 P.M on the **weekends**. Yeah, I'm actually considering going atheist now. _

_Okay, so anyway I'm going to try something different, I'm going to split the chapter in to two different POV's:Neji and Sakura. Why the change? Mainly because I hate writing Neji's POV. It's hard and just don't like it. And the next chapter will be Gaara and Sakura's POV, by the way. Anyway, tell me if it's better this way or worse. _

Neji entered the premises. I closed my eyes tight so I couldn't see the look of pure disgust that would cross his face when he saw the crap hole. I heard my dad click on the light. I tried to mentally prepare myself for all the taunting Neji would do after this. I was in deep shit.

"SURPRISE!"

My eyes opened and I screamed then spontaneously jumped up. Everyone from the comatose stripper to the amateur tattoo artist started laughing wildly. They're my mom's friends. I tried to clutch my wildly beating heart with my hand.

"Where?" I managed to sputter idiotically. I looked side to side. Yup, no surprises in sight. Mom had woken up from her drunken coma, "We decided to throoow yooou an' your fiancé a suurrprise party. Coomme and miiingle" she slurred happily as she pushed me and Neji toward the crowd of people. In the sea of faces I looked for someone I knew that would explain everything to me in a way I could semi-understand. Bingo. Naruto. Childhood friend and partner in crime.

"Naruto why is everyone here?" I motioned to the large crowd of freaks that were probably breaking the floor of the mobile home. He stared at me for a minute. I repeated the sentence again, enunciating every syllable.

"Oh you know." Naruto said knowingly.

"I know?"

"Yes, you know" he took a swig of punch.

"But I don't think I know."

"But you know."

"Then I guess I must know" I shrugged.

"And now you know."

"Does he know?" I motioned toward a random guy in the corner, passed out against the wall next to my room.

"Everyone knows" he nodded.

"And I'm just now knowing?"

"No, you've always known."

"Wicked." I nodded back. I turned around. Then gasped. Neji, fiancé from hell mingling with the hooker transvestite in the cone bra. I speed walked to the Hyuuga. Griping his ear between my fingers I dragged him to my room.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I hissed.

"What's your problem?" He sassed back.

Let's see, I am engaged to a guy with the Nazi sign tattooed on his forehead. My gosh, I _do _have a problem, but I think it's a big step for me if I only have one. I rolled my eyes at him then poked my head out of my room and called back to Naruto.

"Naruto, if they play that drinking game call me out." You can never trust my mom and her friends with beer. Rule of thumb.

Naruto frowned, "which drinking game?"

You guessed it, there is more than one drinking game they play. Heck, there's more than 20 drinking games that they play.

"The one where you drink every time someone drinks."

"Wait. Huh?" Neji asked, deciding to join in on the conversation.

"Oh, you know." I said

"I know?" Neji asked, still confused.

"I know." A smiling Naruto reassured me.

"He knows!" Neji gasped.

"Everyone knows," I told him, nodding as Naruto had done.

"Wait. If I pretend like I know can we just drop this?"

Well, considering you, Neji were never in the conversation to begin with I guess so.

"Yes" I scowled.

"I know." Neji said.

Her room was incredibly small. It was cutesy, homey, frilly and I don't like it. Not at all. The room was littered with posters of the Backstreet boys peeling off the wall, and it was crammed with shit and many dusty stuffed animals. I guess its okay. For a girl. I picked up a dusty panda bear off her bed.

"Hey put Mr. Wrinkles down!" She whined.

"No." I held the bear over my head so she wouldn't get it.

"You can't do that," she complained, "that's like taking away Snowy from Tin Tin."

I raised an eyebrow, "do you solve crime with your panda?"

"Only on Tuesdays."

I leaned in, dangerously close to her face.

"What would you do to get Mr. Wrinkles back from me?" I batted my fluffy boy lashes at her innocently. She pushed me away.

"Do I scare you, Haruno?" I asked stepping toward her while she took a few steps back.

"No, that would be your breath." She hissed, trying to hide her flushed face.

"You're blushing." I pointed out, taking another step forward. She tried to take another back but the bed blocked her from her freedom.

"There's a fever going around and..." She trailed off, her eyes never left mine.

"Well, um look at the time. I've got to go..." Our eyes, still locked

"Go?" I asked softly.

"To..." She tried to scramble away but I caught her wrist.

"Where?"

"Um" she blushed. She didn't even realize when I threw the panda in to the closet. There was a grunt. I turned around. Grunts aren't supposed to come out of closets. She scrambled away to where the grunt was heard. I didn't try to stop her. I figured that whatever was in there; if it was dangerous it would kill her first and it would leave me time to escape. I stood there dumbly as she let out a scream.

"Gaara! Why are you in my closet?"

_I absolutely hate writing Neji's POV. I'm not really happy with this chappy but oh well, I introduced Naruto and made Gaara hide in Sakura's closet (get your mind out of the gutter, sickos) I don't even know why I'm updating. Bleh. I guess at least I have shit to update. _

_WARNING! COMPLETELY RANDOM AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH NARUTO_

_Sorry. Bored. I'm kind of ranting again but I was just wondering if any of you guys share my views. It seems no one else does. I'm sad about that. So I'm just typing this out to see if anyone else agrees with me and then I won't feel like such a freak..._

_-RANDOM THOUGHTS-_

_-I want to be taller. Like really tall. like 6 ft. 7inches tall. Of course, with my athletic abilities I still probably couldn't slam-dunk a basketball. And I would be considered retarded; but I could totally accept that. _

_-I was never one of those kids that wanted to learn to fly. It just seemed like to much work. Hell, I can barely get myself out of bed every day so, let alone, flap my arms up and down 1000 times per second. _

_-I think ice cream was doing just fine before someone started putting candy and cookies into it. Now it is like the crack cocaine of dessert food. I am so addicted and I blame Ben and Jerry. Those sons-a-bitches. Pretending like they care. They probably spit in our ice cream when no one's looking. But I'm so addicted! _

_-I still don't understand why Donuts have holes in them, I have had it explained to me several times, but I just don't get it. And how in the hell do they get pudding in those damn things? And why are they so bad for you? And _

_Why are they so delicious? Even the crappy ones? (Can anyone answer these questions?) Man, I hate Donuts…I really hate them. I'll still eat them, but I plan to enjoy them much less now than in the past. They have really pissed me off now. Goddamn the donuts…Damn them all…_

_-Whenever I have a conversation with someone at least once they always spit in my eye. Does this happen to you guys too? Does someone spits in your eye during a conversation too? Do you also feel like you are doing something wrong when you wipe it out, so sometimes you wait a second? And then that means you have forgotten to listen to them and have been consumed by a small bit of saliva that is now drying in your eye. I have devised a plan that when this happens to me, I will hock a loogy and fire at right in the person's mouth, just do buy some time to dry the eye. You guys can try it first and tell me how well it works. _

_-Does anyone else like the feeling of Novocain? It may sound weird but I love the feeling of it. It's so cool. I can't feel my mouth for like hours. _

_-I want to be Captain of a ship for a day. I don't really wish to sail anywhere, I just want to wear the outfit and make people swab the deck-that shit looks hard. I would also make people call me Captain, since that is what I would be. My friends would get really confused and try to call me Lauren, but I wouldn't answer them. They would get really annoyed and call me Captain Asshole or something, so I would kick them off the boat. People would have to learn to respect me if I was Captain. Then the next day I wouldn't be Captain anymore, I would be Lauren…I could apologize to my friends for kicking them off the boat and we could all walk by the boat again so I could call the new guy Captain Asshole. I just want to see this thing from both sides. _

_I think this random thought may have some effect with me watching Pirates 8 times. Whatever. Just review! Read then review! It's not that hard! Just review dammit!_


	11. No pants equals no friends

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LITTLE MISS DISASTER

(A/N: THANK YOU KAITOU ANGEL FOR MAKING ME A FIC! TAYLOR, YOU ARE MY HERO! I'm so happy Taylor made me a fic for my birthday. I feel so loved! It's NaruSaku (an awesome but rare pairing) and totally kick ass. It's called Kitsune; you must read it then review! If you don't DIE and GO TO HELL in that order. Anyways, I forgot to mention last time I updated we'd be gone a couple of days for a church camping trip in the mountains where it somehow is fucking _cold_. We're just got back. It sucked. One word. Mariah. No, actually, four. Mariah and her mom. I think you can use your imagination. Hint: if I see the Jesus Loves You video one more time I'm going to become Satanist and start wearing a cape. **THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO KAITOU ANGEL** (sorry if this chapter sucks though, T-pain)! **READ** HER FICS AND **REVIEW** THEM; I LEARN FROM HER!)

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"What is _he _doing here?" Gaara asked, though his voice was anything but confused and his face was as stoic as ever. How Gaara was that question he asked? Completely ignore a question directed at him to ask a question in which the answer I don't even know. In other words, confuse me even more than I am right now. Suddenly, two arms are wrapped around my waist.

"We're getting married." Neji said, pulling me closer as I squirmed and squiggled like a three year old on a slip and slide. If Gaara was surprised he didn't show it. I opened my mouth to say something. I took a deep breath in.

"It's an arrange-what's that burning smell?"

Naruto smirked as he walked in my room.

"That would be the fire in my pants," he said, winking at me.

"Shut up, you moron," Neji growled, pulling me closer. I squirmed.

"You're not wearing pants, Naruto," I pointed out, "why are you not wearing pants!" Better yet, why is he wearing Strawberry Shortcake boxers?

"Frankly, I think they resented my ass."

"That makes two of us," I announced, thoroughly exasperated, wrenching Neji's arms to get out of my room. Experience has taught me that whenever the conversation presents a fire in Naruto's pants or a lack of pants thereof, it's better to just leave the room. Plus, I think my mom is playing that drinking game again.

"You were staring at his ass! You whore! Keep it in your pants, Haruno. We're getting married! There'll be no staring at other men's asses when you become a Hyuuga" Neji angrily said, very bitter about that. Naruto shrugged and left the room. Gaara spoke.

"Prove to me that you're getting married." His eyes bore in to mine but his command was directed at Neji.

Those pale green eyes never left mine as he ordered Neji to do the unthinkable.

"Kiss her."

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Sakura Hyuuga. For some reason that didn't sound right. Fag boy looked disgusted by the very idea of putting his lips on hers. I snorted at that. This crap from the same guy who was so possessive of her about thirty seconds ago. Riiiiight. I really can't see them two getting married. I believe this is some kind of prank. Revenge for the baby skit. Distracted by my own thoughts I almost missed it. Hyuuga swooped down to peck her on the lips quickly before pulling away like he fucked with fate, as if he kissed a poisonous snake. I snorted again. Marriage. Uh-huh. Whatever. Not convinced.

"That wasn't a kiss." I cocked my head and shot Sakura a glare.

"I think it was. If it wasn't I wouldn't have poison control on speed dial. Ew. Ew. Cooties." She was ten different shades of red as she wiped her lips over and over with the back of her hand as if it would save her from some kind of virus that's spread through kissing.

"Don't tell me, Haruno, you never really have been kissed before, have you?"

"Gee, I don't know Neji only pressed his **filthy **lips on to mine a couple seconds ago."

"You liked it as much as I did, admit that at least." Neji grinned like a fox. This guy really needs to sort out his feelings.

"No! You're a terrible kisser and your breath stinks!"

"Want to do it again? Want me to prove you wrong?" Neji whispered, taking a lock of her hair out of her face and placing it behind her ear.

"No! And no means no. Unless it means yes, in which case, I'll wink like this. Not winking!" She barked.

We may have had the same health teacher, I think.

She turned to me.

"Wait. What exactly are you trying to say?" She squinted her eyes and looked at me expectantly.

"All I'm saying is that you've never really have been kissed"

"Explain"

I brushed my hair out of my face, "Don't tell me no one has ever kissed you with such passion that all you can think about is the next time you do it again. Don't tell me, Haruno that you never have been kissed so deeply you feel like you're going to get lost, so gently that you felt like you were going to melt on the onslaught, overridden by the sensations." Our lips were dangerously close now. I could feel her breath on my lips. Her face was flushed. Eyes were wide with surprise. They were about to get wider as I pressed my lips against hers. The kiss, it was gentle and soft at first but as she teased the opening of my mouth with her tongue I got more aggressive. Her tongue skittered along the roof of my mouth as if she was trying to avoid my own tongue trying to wrestle with hers. She half moaned as we broke off. Her eyes were still closed even as I started to walk out. Neji was gone.

"Wait! How did you get here!" She called after me.

I didn't answer. You try explaining you're running away from a guy who wants to play naked twister with you. As I walked out of the trailer park a ten year old kid with a Mohawk was puking the contents of his stomach on the lawn. Underage drinking obviously is not a problem here.

"Nice tattoo." He eyed my tattoo, Mohawk tilting to one side as he wiped the puke from his mouth.

I nodded, "you too. Did it yourself?" I noticed the home-made tattoo on his arm.

"Yeah." More vomiting.

"But why are you so in to satin?" "It says Satan." He looked down to his tattoo to me and back.

I chuckled, "You don't win the spelling bees do you?"

_Read and review._

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(¡IMPORTANT READ!)

In life some people you click with and some you don't. That's the honest truth, and I'll take being honest over being "nice" any day! Upon mentally revisiting the episodes on the church camping experience(like I said, you can use your imagination), I came across a theme of others saying I'm not "Nice" and the importance of being "Nice" and the more I thought about it and filtered it through my brain, I came to the conclusion- FUCK NICE! When you play "nice" and you act "nice" you are essentially being fake. **(NICE EQUALS****FAKE)** Everyone _hates _fake. "Nice" gets you **nowhere**. I played "nice" with Mariah and look where it got me.

I participated in what essentially was a church camping trip that is created for people to communicate with each other and say your honest opinions about life and God, so I gave mine. I gave my honest opinion in the whole damn camp. I know something's I have said weren't "nice" to say, I know it wasn't "nice" to hear either. But I was honest. And _HONESTY_ kicks the shit out of _NICE_! Those church bitches are lucky I am being honest. In all other circumstances, I only reserve that type of honesty for only my friends. The people who value my honesty and friendship. All things less than, or socially inept, or just plain bad, I ignore. The reason I ignore is because there are so many great things that my focus could improve on, rather than putting any thought into something that is not worth commenting on in the first place. The truth hurts and honesty is such a lonely word! In my everyday life people who I hear constantly pointing out all the insignificant things really bring me down. So just screw it already! Nice sucks. Bottom line: Fuck nice. Nice is fake. Fake sucks ass. Don't take anyone's shit and be honest about your feelings.

So this is my advice to all you. I'm not asking you to take it. I'm not asking you to even agree with it. I'm not trying to be all preachy or anything either. I'm just a regular 13 year old girl who's pretty sure everyone feels this way at one point or another and just wants to write something to make you feel better because currently I'm feeling bad because Mariah's mom ragging on me because I'm not "nice". Some people don't like how I'm not fake. But this is who I am. This is me. This is Lauren.


	12. DON'T QUOTE THE MOVIE!

**LITTLE MISS DISASTER**

_CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO: **kaitou angel **because she's the shit and I'm stealing some of her lines from her fic (I'll make a note which ones are hers) and **Sabaku no ardent **who unfortunately **almost **got **hit by a car **while **reading** this **fic**. Sorry. Just don't die on me. _

_(WARNING: the reading of this fic may cause car accidents if the vehicle is or is **not **moving. Read in public at your own risk.)_

_LIFE AS OF NOW ACCORDING TO LAUREN: _

_SONG CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Image of the invisible- Thrice_

_QUOTE STUCK IN HEAD: "Naked Neji..."-_ _Kuroune's Forbidden Lover_

_BOOK CURRENTLY READING: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson._

_CONFESSION OF THE DAY: Threw my latest dead goldfish in to my neighbors' pool and told them that the kid with ADD that lives across the street did it. Boy, did I feel guilty when he started crying._

_IMPORTANT NEWS AND RAMBLINGS: Okay, so our summer sadly ends on August 2 so hopefully I can update every weekend. We're to going to the eighth grade! Woot! Anyways, we're always busy with school, homework, work, and stuff so, again updates, review replys, and PM's won't be so frequent. On another note, something really creepy happened to me about two days a go. Okay so I was in Marukai 99 cent store browsing the hello kitty crap while talking to Chrisshi on my phone and this guy that worked there he looked to be about 20 or so and he was following me around and I just thought he was just following me because he thought I was shoplifting or something so finally he like cornered me by the Pocky and then he said:_

_"Can I help you?"_

_Then I said:_

_"No, I'm just awesome possum." And then I nervously continued my covo with Chrisshi._

_Then out of the blue he said, and I quote (Chrisshi heard him!):_

_"I was wondering if I could have your phone number."_

_I dropped my shopping basket and then I said:_

_"Um...I don't have a phone." Then hung up on Chrisshi and ran to the car, locked all the doors and hid under the seats. I was so scared. You don't molest me. You just don't... _

_That should sum it up. Enjoy the chappie._

Holy fuck.

Okay, moving on. It's too awkward to talk about so until what just happened registers in my brain I'm just going to pretend nothing did. So instead of contemplating the occurrences I looked around the room in confusion. Perhaps I had landed in an alternate universe. Where there is no...Neji? That's very strange because I specifically remember placing him right next to Mr. Wrinkles. Who is also gone. What a fucked up place! I suddenly let out an ear shattering scream because it brought nasty mental images of a very odd bear-molesting kinda Neji doing bear-molesting kinda things with my favorite stuffed animal. I rushed to the closet. I had no time to spare. At this very moment my panda could be getting raped. In a flurry I opened the closet door.

"Neji?"

No answer.

"Neji?" I called again.

The hair on my neck stood up. That's one of the signs that tell me someone's behind me with a chainsaw. I was too afraid to look behind me because that certain chainsaw wielding person's breath was falling on my neck.

"Sakura."

I turned around. No chainsaw. Just a panda molester with my Mr. Wrinkles, who was regrettably naked. The panda. Not Neji(A/n sorry, Kuroune's Forbidden Lover).

"Neji! You came to give me back my panda!"

"Well, my Noah's Ark idea went down the tubes when I couldn't find another bitch. Funny, I never thought to look here."

"Neji."

"Just take it."

"He has a name."

"I don't care."

I twisted around to retreat back into the safety of my living room but found myself being spun directly into Neji's chest. I felt the weight of his head on my shoulder and he rested his hands on the small of my back. His heart beat against mine and every Hallmark movie ever made flashed right before my eyes.

"Can I kiss you now?"

"No still means no."

"Damn."

I started to walk back toward the closet. I guess I probably should take a nice long nap in my cozy closet and wake up just in time for retirement.

"No. Don't go in the closet."

I raised my eyebrow.

"What happens if I do and when I come out?"

"These closet metaphors are really getting old." He said, sighing.

"Where are we going?" Pulling on my jacket, I followed him to the front door and down the hallway.

"Everywhere."

"Well, I think we can leave out the third world countries, at least. And I'd try to avoid lions, tigers, and bears" I said

"Oh my!" Neji shrieked. I kicked his shin and he gasped, clutching his leg.

"I hate it when people quote that movie," I explained.

"Hello, my name is Sakura and I like pie," Neji squealed. "Who's bipolar! I AM! I AM!"

Firstly, Neji is the bipolar one. And secondly, if I were to proclaim my frequent bouts of instability, I would not wave my arms in the air. I would simply buy a trampoline.

"Was that supposed to be me?"

"Of course not." He shrugged. Damn his bipolar-ness.

"Good because I don't think I'd appreciate being made fun of."

"But somehow I'm supposed to appreciate being hit?"

"It builds character."

I stepped outside into a torrential downpour. "It's raining," I groaned.

"Welcome to Seattle," laughed Neji. (A/n: I have decided they get to live in Seattle because of: salmon, the Space Needle, and killer whales. Who knows, maybe Shamoo the tenth will make guest appearances. Plus, Seattle is by Canada and I. FUCKING. LOVE. CANADA! CANADA IS AWESOME.)

"Is that where I am? After my house being swept up in that tornado and meeting those munchkins, I wasn't quite sure."

"What happened to hating that movie?" He pouted.

"What movie? I was serious."

"Come on, you're walking slow." He grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him, hurrying down the street.

"I didn't know we were in a hurry."

"Well, I'd hate to leave you out in the rain for longer than I have to, you might melt." He smirked. I winced, The Wizard of Oz kills more people a year than sharks.

"I have been known to do that." I muttered.

Neji only pushed me faster as we neared Wendy's. I walked as fast as I could but my stubby legs couldn't go as fast as he was going. It's got to be against the speed limit to go as fast as he was. Suddenly something shiny caught my eye. Penny! My Asian senses are tingling. I had to resist the urge to...Why am I two inches within the penny?

"Ooooh! A penny."

Time stopped.

"BACK THE FUCK OFF! I SAW THE PENNY FIRST!" I barked, immediately tackling/protecting the penny with my body. My penny. I looked up.

"Naruto?" Why did I see this guy everywhere? And more importantly why is he walking to Wendy's with a _girl_? Another blonde like himself, to boot. She's obviously crazy or a transvestite. Or both.

_"_Sakura. Hey." He greeted casually, trying to shove the screaming blonde girl in a tree.

"Uh yeah. Who's your friend?"

"Whaaat friend?" He smiled nervously, propped up against the tree the blonde girl was half-stuffed in.

"The one in the tree." Neji added, sitting down next to me.

"Not so close to the penny." I growled at him.

"Oooh, Sakura, you know me, friend of nature. Just catching up with my homies, the baby...uh...bluebirds." He tried to subtly hide a leg that stuck out.

Just catching up with my homies, the baby bluebirds? Nice, Tarzan. I mean, I know Naruto pretty darn well and in all the time that I've known him he never showed any interest in birds, much less nature. In fact, I've seen him slice chicken like it owed him money.

"Is that a leg I see?" I yawned.

"DAMN RIGHT IT'S A LEG! IT'S MY LEG!" Came a muffled scream from the tree. Naruto's eyes widened.

"You've woken the beast!" He cried as the girl in the tree made her way out.

"Hi I'm Ino." She smiled sweetly at me, her blue eyes sparkling with positive energy and her blonde hair rivaling the quality of Neji's. She was model-perfect. Like she stepped out of a poster. Then she smiled at Neji. Bitch!

"Neji-kun" she cooed.

"You know her!" I yelled at him, before slapping the shit out of him using my new ultra pissed future wife combo move.

"Sadly, yes." He called back to me, crawling away on his knees. He wasn't happy about her. Good. I like to be in control of my future husbands.

"Wait, how do you know her?" I asked Naruto. Girls and Naruto don't mix. It's like trying to set up Elmo and Barbie. Not going to happen and if in fact it did that would be fucked up. Seriously.

He doesn't answer.

Neji slowly got to his knees and eyed me suspiciously.

"You know _him?"_

"Don't worry. He's the reasonable one," I assured him. There's something hysterical about referring to a guy who bought Thunder Cat's season 1 with the remaining money he had left in his college fund as 'Reasonable One'.

"Really, is that your Native American name?" Neji asked, looking slightly interested. I frowned at his sudden spark of interest. He always had a thing for Pochahontas.

"No, that would be Running Bare." Naruto plastered a silly smirk on his face.

"That's clever." Ino mused

"I do tricks too." He wiggled his eyebrows at Neji. I don't think it was meant as a suggestive gesture because with his cute little dimples and Weezer t-shirt I didn't exactly pinpoint him as the type to go after a guy like Neji. Though with anyone else in our clique I'd be alarmed and slightly confused. Finally, someone whose just as out of touch with their gestures as I am.

Ino's voice suddenly disruppted me from my thoughts, "you have pink hair," she mused.

"That's a great ice breaker. Throw in how I have two eyes and a nose while your at it."

She nodded thoughtfully, "You know, you come off as kind of condescending."

"It's a defense mechanism. If I could have a rattle at the end of my non-existant tail I would."

"Neji's great." She nodded to herself again.

"Yeah, he's just dreamy." I rolled my eyes, trying to ignore the fact that somehow she knew Neji was "just great" .

"You're lucky you know." More nodding.

"Please don't tell me he's as good as it gets." I nodded back figuring that all this nodding action must be beneficial in some way, otherwise there was no conceivable reason for her pigeon imitation.

"Well, there's always George Clooney" she reasoned

"That says so little for the rest of the male population if Neji is up there with an ER doctor, fisherman, expert thief, and CIA agent combo."

"Why are you so bitter?" She suddenly asked

"My father was a lemon."

"Now I know why Naruto likes you so much."

"Because I'm half citrus?" I tried.

"No, because you're uncaring, witty, and self-centered, just like him."

Just like _Naruto_?

"Excuse me, I have to go kiss some babies and save the whales." I moved to the street leading the way back to my er mobile home but she tugged on my sleeve and pulled me back.

"Stay, please. Don't leave me with these guys." She wasn't nodding. Inconcievable.

"You're right," I sighed. Ino wasn't that bad. How could I hate someone who had already figured out how selfish I was and still wanted to talk to me?

"I don't trust them together anyways," I said, looking at the boys who were now chatting about the latest handbag from Gucci. And Neji thinks Gaara is gay. I sighed as the four of us walked in to the door.

Ino had a thing about eating facing West and Naruto had a thing about eating facing Ino, so we all ended up squished into one booth at Wendy's while mom and dad's hoodlum friends were most likely seeing who could eat the most pickled herring without vomiting. Or, much like I suspect my stuffed animals do when no one is looking, they're all sitting civilly around the TV watching Clueless and impersonating Alicia Silverstone.

There is no way I'm the only one who does that.

Before shoving a handful of french fries into my mouth, I got the creepy feeling someone was watching me. In a very Exorcist reminiscent move, I turned in the plastic booth seat to see Neji looking at me sideways and grinning. I shoved the fistful of fries into my mouth and he laughed.

"You look like a million crispy chicken nuggets."

I pulled out one of my french fries and used it to brush off the mustard on his cheek before placing it in his hand. I smiled back at him, "if looks could kill you'd be a murderer."

"Or maybe just a whore." Ino sat next to me on the other side, leering at us.

"I knew we should have left her in the car," Naruto sighed, eating a french fry complacently. Naruto

"We all walked here," I pointed out.

"I meant someone else's car." The Reasonable One said with his mouth full of fried potato.

"I'm kind of wishing you did leave me in a car," Ino gazed off into the wondrous space of the Wendy's with mock regret, "a BMW."

"But then you'd miss out on the dollar menu." Neji reminded her

"Ino doesn't need the dollar menu- she's on the dollar menu," joked Nartuo. Hopefully he was joking. I'd gained a little bit more respect for Ino ever since she confessed her plans to overcome her fear of dandelions a few minutes a go.

I looked between them both as they glared at each other- glaring the likes of which had never been seen before inside the kiddie section of a Wendy's right next to the shiny plastic playground.

"I'm sorry," I stared mournfully at my rubber placemat trying to avoid the scary vibes between them, while the exuberant face of the little pippy longstockings-impersonating Wendy staring back at me. "I was under the impression that you were friends. I guess I was misinformed." I looked at Naruto then Ino.

"It's a love hate relationship," admitted Ino. "Unless there are two of us and only one cookie, then the love bit's all off."

The Reasonable One glared. "I'd kick your ass but who knows where it's been."

"Places you can only dream of" Ino replied dreamily.

"The back seat of a Corolla?"

I cleared my throat. "Are you going to eat that?"

"No." Ino snapped

"Thank you." I picked up Ino's fries as the fight resumed.

"You know what your problem is?" barked Amanda.

"I need a drink." The Reasonable One said

"This is Wendy's." I motioned to the menu.

"So?"

"So I don't think they'll have the kind of drink you're looking for." I finished.

"That's why I never come here. At least at Burger King they makes me feel like royalty" Neji snorted

The Reasonable One finally smiled. "Oh, the BK Lounge. Where the food is worth the shorter life-span."

Ino nodded and they stared lovingly into space together as they commonly do. "You're arm is in my French fries," I snarled at Neji. Nothing gets between me and my carcinogens.

"Your french fries are on my arm." Neji glared. I snarled. He instantly plastered a frightened look on his face. Moving, he left behind a trail of putrid yellow mustard. And there wasn't any mustard on my french fries. I hate mustard. Nothing natural is yellow. Except the sun, and dandelions, and Peeps...

"I hate my friends."

Ino drew me in to a very uncomfortable sideways hug in the tiny booth.

"Neji, stop being a dumbass. You're scaring away the only wife you'll ever have."

"Fine. I'll meet you French fries and raise you a chicken nugget."

"Sexy." The Reasonable One said.

Referring to Naruto as The Reasonable One in my head was really getting to me so the relief of finally remembering out his name and avoiding public humiliating with the joy of a chicken nugget made me forget my new found hate for friendship.

"You're my hero," I told Ino.

"Glad to hear I finally beat out Captain Planet."

"Who told you about that?"

Oblivious to the large pool of ketchup at the corner of my mouth, I looked at her suspiciously. That is the last time I tell my darkest secrets to the ice cream vendor.

"Naruto. He likes to talk about you. And himself. But mostly you."

"I hate girls." Naruto slid down in his seat and looked to Ino for backup.

"If you're looking for someone to relate I think you'd better find another booth."

He sighed and got up. "I need more ketchup."

"If he's The Reasonable One I'm Evil Knievel."

"The jumpsuit's not your style," Ino said thoughtfully.

"He's the reason I'm scared to walk out my front door" I shivered.

"He's the reason I'm scared to play Tetris and balance cheerios on my nose at the same time. Of course, I can get vaguer than that too" I added.

Naruto made his way slowly back to the table, pushing past an old man who was about to order. He lurched forward, hands filled with ketchup packets, and fell to his knees before the table.

"Shit," he winced then fell to the ground, clutching his legs.

"Hey Naruto, God told me to tell you to 'goeth into thee light off yonder.'"

"Hilarious, Ino. Fucking hilarious," he snarled.

"Did you hear that? Not just hilarious, but fucking hilarious," she winked at me.

Once I finished my burger and became an official member of the clean plate club, or of the 'congrats your destined to be diabetic club,' we went our separate ways. Neji and I stumbled aimlessly toward home. Little did I know what horror would await me there.

MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE

I started to make my towrd the bus stop. It was getting late already and a school night. I yawned as the fat woman who drove the large public transportation vehicle ordered me to put change in to the slot. I lazily flashed her my bus pass. She grunted. I picked a spot that looked least likely to be pissed upon by a submissive male stripper. As much as I hate people I forced myself to sit next to the old lady with the long dark braid. All the other seats were infested with germs and I already shot my seat down with the Windex treatment.

(1)"Sonny, I don't know what they're teaching you in health class today but they better as hell be teaching you about wedgies. They hurt like the dickens and itch like no tomorrow. Darling, when I was young they used to give you crotch wedgies and woo wee did those hurt! I was always the one getting them ya know and it was so awful they called my parents and I had to go to the hospital because then I got rectal problems. And then of all things I got ovary cancer. IMAGINE that." She suddenly started talking to me. I wanted to run but she kept going on and on.

And I sat there, glued to the spot, horrified, as this old lady went on about how she got crotch wedgies If I had any eyebrows I would have raised them. But I don't. They were eaten by llama's one year at the zoo… it was a tragic day for me.

"And then when they were done with the surgery guess what happened?" she asked staring at me with her little beady eyes, her purple painted lips thinning as she leaned in closer. I was too mortified to answer.

(2)"I got a wedgie." Apparently she found this very funny and that she cracked herself up because she just kept laughing that nasty, raspy, I smoked-and-got-lung-cancer, cough. Oh god shoot me now.

I jumped out of the window and ran back to the dorm. I was slightly relieved when I realized I never gave Haku the chance to say anything to me. But not enough to think again about locking myself in the bathroom. Another long night without the bed.

_Um yeah so hopefully that didn't suck. Sabaku No Ardent begged me to update so here I am. I'm trying to make it a point that my chapters are longer than my authors notes. Oh and I have AIM so now whenever you guys want to talk, give me ideas for fics or anything we can do it instantly. Laurenousity is the AIM. Hit it up, kids. Review!_


	13. Taste the Rainbow

**LITTLE MISS DISASTER**

_MPORTANT (I think): I have an idea swimming around in my head. My good friends, Saskura-Chan and her brother, Crack God have co-written a fic together (naturally, it's freaking hilarious). So my idea (or rather the idea I'm copying from Crack God and Saskura-Chan-sorry for copying ya, if any of you, Crack God or Saskura-Chan, happen to be reading this) is **if any of you want to CO-WRITE a fic with us **or something? Message me, if you're interested. I'm not a grammar nazi, I'm open to almost any new inputs, and I'm not particularly bossy so I don't think a partnership will be a problem. But why? Because, well, to tell you guys the truth I'm not happy with the fanfics these days. Not saying, I'm a terrific writer and I'm not trying to be down on anyone, and seeing as this is a fanfiction web site and not to mention a free country it seems kind of stupid saying this but some of the fanfics on this website really suck. I mean, some of them have no thought put in to them at all and it really discourages me from reading and then I miss out on the really good ones. Yes, this crap is coming from the author who makes everything OCC but at least I put some thought in to my shit. I feel like saying "write something not in chat speak and use what's in your FUCKING head!" but maybe that's all they really can write and that'd be like a flame and well flames aren't nice. Especially since that might be the best they can write and no one flames me even when I DO write shit. I live by the golden rule when it's convenient for me. I also think it's slightly funny how everyone copies each other's ideas and stuff like that, which is why I TRY (doesn't mean I succeed) to make all my fics kind of different. So if any of you Kickass writers want to make a together, with me and Christian just PM us ASAP. On a another note: this story below has **no relevance to Little Miss Disaster but it is GaaraSakura-ness) with the green skittle fluff. There will also be some NejiSakura-ness after it. **Sorry, it has nothing to do with LMD but I'm totally bored and I have writers block with this fic and kind of fanficiton in general. But I felt I had to put something up cuz I haven't updated this one in a while. _

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------_

I wouldn't say that life was 'normal' because that word has slowly been gaining mythological status in my mind, but I'd definitely say that Apartment 45, level 3, located strategically in the caffeine capitol of the world, has reached an equilibrium between 'professional help needed' and 'nothing to see here.' I briefly considered throwing a party to commemorate the event but figured that would put us back in the red- the red meaning that we'd have to replace the drapes with police line: do not cross tape again. And I like my drapes. Only one major problem had yet to be fixed. Naruto the douche was still living in the Hooverville of my living room- keeping tabs on the cockroach population and briefly emerging every so often to eat, drink, and drive people to self-mutilation. He's said he only needed a place to crash for a couple of days but that was two years ago. He's been looking for an apartment but so far he's had more success spotting unicorns. I advised him to lose the hacksaw but he argued it was 'part of his look.' Not to mention that after seeing Naruto talk to Real Estate Agents I was practically begging for his crappy pick-up lines.

Case and point:

Naive Agent practicing his sophisticated apartment-selling lingo and trying to play off a fake British accent: "Do you have any quarrels with the apartment?"

Naruto the Douche: "No, brick walls tend to get in the way of my one-two punch."

Naruto considering his homicidal tendencies while apartment searching: "I see, and what exactly can the food disposal cut through? Let's say bones? Chicken, of course. And would it be okay to use bleach on these floors?"

Classic Naruto: "My last crack den was cleaner."

Ditto: "I think the cult will be very happy here."

The grand finale: "What are your policies involving brothels?"

Let's just say he had a really hard time finding a place.

"Morning Sakura." Naruto said even though it was about 7:30 at night and he'd just risen from his slumber from the previous night.

I recoiled into the kitchen, spooked by Naruto's usual happy-go-lucky mood and the Hawaiian shirt to end all Hawaiian shirts. Simply scanning over a pattern that includes THAT many tropical flowers was enough to send me into seizures complete with foaming out the mouth, not to mention the sudden pineapple craving.

"I'm feeling particularly homo erectus this morning," he grinned.

"Either that's excessively dirty or you're studying to become an anthropology major." It's nice to hear that even Naruto can admit he's a few millennia behind in the evolutionary chain. "You know Naruto, I had a dream that you died."

"And then?"

"And then I had waffles."

"Touche." He clapped, waltzing around the kitchen.

"Soooo…" I raised an eyebrow at him, changing the topic to my personal favorite, "when are you moving out?"

He shot me a look, "Sakura, I can't move out. You need me." He scoffed at his bowl of Lucky Charms and instead of asking his usual "What marshmallow am I eating now?" he said this: "Sakura, you're lonely. You need my company. Especially since you haven't gone on a date since…uh…ever."

I glared at him, "You're avoiding the question." I growled.

He cocked an eyebrow, "**you're** avoiding the question."

I sighed heavily, "Naruto, I didn't ask a question."

"Naruto, I didn't ask a question" he mimicked.

"Naruto, mimic me again and I shove a knife straight down your throat." I said, morbidly calm.

He shuddered but like the rubber band he is, he bounced right back, "Don't worry, Sakura, one day you won't be an ugly ducking anymore and you'll get a date."

I inched toward the knife drawer and smirked as Naruto gulped, "Is that what your mom told you, Naruto?"

He shrugged, "don't hate the messenger, kid."

"Don't call me kid." I narrowed my eyes slightly.

"Don't call me Naruto."

"But your name **is **Naruto."

"Sometimes I wish it wasn't," he said sadly.

I rolled my eyes. He was never going to move out. All I ask is that I don't wake up in the morning tucked in next to Spock. Creeps me out.

"Which uh leads to why," he trailed off, pushing his finger together like a guilty kid caught shoplifting a candy bar.

"What!" I snapped, he just never made sense.

He grinned sheepishly and picked up a discarded newspaper from the table, "oh look for a limited time there'll be no green Skittles and if you find one in your package you win a thousand bucks," he said, prodding his finger at the front page. **(NOTE TO MORONS: plot development)**

"WHAT! The green skittles were the best eve-"I scrunched my nose, "hey, wait a minute. You're trying to distract me from what you were trying to say." I grinned. Nothing could get by me.

He cursed, "IACCIDENTLYSETYOUUPONABLINDDATEONPURPOSE."

"What?"

He closed his eyes tightly and opened his mouth, "I accidentally-"

There was a loud impatient knock on the door and I already knew I wasn't going to like the person who did it. Then, ready set MORPH! Naruto's frightened expression automatically curved in to a smile, "I'll get it," he sing-songed.

Suddenly I felt worried and sick to my stomach at the exact same time, which is never a good sign. Especially around Naruto.

Naruto reappeared soon and grinned slyly, "hey, Sakura-chan, there's someone at the door for you." He smirked as I walked toward the front of the apartment. I so did not like the smug smile on the blonde's face.

At the door was a devastatingly beautiful man looking straight at me. I may have a crush on each and every underwear model whose billboard hangs above Time's Square, but this was so much more than that. This one could afford clothes.

"Sakura Haruno?"

I nodded. He shuffled anxiously past me into the open living room and trailed his fingers over the back of the couch, diligently inspecting the space. "Nice place," he finally decided. Oh and how I was hanging on to his every word. Thank you, thank you devastatingly gorgeous man for presuming my living space to be half decent. How may I return this favor? Can I dub your leather jacket to be fairly hardcore? Semi-malleable core if you will.

I still had no idea who this man was or why he was asking for me but at that point I didn't care.

"You look just like your brother." He said quietly.

Meaning that either I've undergone a recent sex change surgery without my consent or I resemble a decaying lump of human flesh. My brother has been dead for four years and corpse is so not my color.

Will the insightful observations ever end?

"You don't say much"

"Hello. Thank you for," I paused for thought and scrunched my nose instinctively- because one must have a scrunched nose to think properly, "knocking?" I finished.

"You don't remember me do you?"

I would remember him. Trust me. The eyes, the nose, the jaw, the hair, the tattoo on his forehead. I would remember him, have a life sized cardboard cut out of him, constructed an alter adorned with locks of his hair, and I would have taken notes on which brand of toothpaste he enjoys most.

"Ummm…Naruto, I need to see you in the kitchen for a minute." I grabbed Naruto by his collar and dragged him in the kitchen.

"NARUTO!" I whispered loudly, "who is that guy and why is he asking for me!"

Naruto looked smug, "just call me cupid."

My eyes widened. My mouth refused to close. You only wish you could look this confused. "W-w-what!"

He sighed and looked bored, "he's your date, idiot!"

"What idiot? What date!"I sputtered

"You're the idiot and he's your date, now go out and have fun!" he barked.

I nodded and walked out meekly, forgetting that I had a drawer full of knives in the kitchen I could have stabbed Naruto with.

I looked expectantly at the man who apparently knew me and my dead brother.

He stared back, "its Gaara. I was a friend of your brothers."

"Gaara." Now if I could only get out a complete sentence without accidentally referring to him as Stud Muffin.

"The one and only," Naruto, added smirking happily, a safe distance away from me and my fists.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, especially concerned. Notice the lack of sappy reunion music in the background. No, the Disc Jockey of life didn't miss his cue- Gaara and I lack a friendly history together. Actually, we lack history at all. The last time I saw him he was passed out on my brother's couch representing all 14 shades of gray. I had barely recognized him much less cared to- and managed to scam twenty dollars from his wallet. Good times.

"Well, are we going now or what!" He said, impatiently tapping his foot.

I raised an eyebrow, "what! Why!"

"Look, I'll be back in half an hour. Be ready. There's a lot of stairs to walk down from." He mumbled, quickly closing the door.

I turned to Naruto, "what the hell did you do!"

After several attempts to kill Naruto and a beer I finally figured out what was happening. Me, Sakura, is being set up on a blind date with incredibly sexy, Stud Muffin, Gaara. Although, Gaara seems like a nice guy I'm pretty sure he kills people. All the hot ones are psycho. I know from experience.

So, if I was so unhappy about this whole blind date thing why was I standing on the street, waiting to be picked up to paint the town whichever color is the new red with a guy who doesn't know how to operate an elevator. I wiggled my nose- thinking again- and, once the agitated bulldog by my leg had deemed it substandard, leaned against a lamppost for support. Though I'd never admit it to anyone but myself and maybe Oprah, I'd made an effort and gotten all dolled up in a slim black dress with high heels, looking like I'd just jumped out of the screen from Rocky Horror. And needless to say I was hoping that Gaara would roll up before a greasy late night dog walker mistook me for a drag queen.

"Sakura."

I spun around and found that Gaara had replaced my bulldog friend. "Where's you car?"

"We're walking."

Because that's classy.

Now all my neighbors can be surprised to learn that I'm a Wal-Mart employee by day, prostitute by night. Though I'm sure they've had their suspicions.

"Where are we going?" I asked as Gaara, impatient as ever, ushered me down the street. It took me a whole day but I've finally begun to wonder why I agreed to have dinner with the prime purveyor of bloodshed in Manhattan, the man who has dedicated his life to single-handedly increasing the crime rate of our fair city.

"A restaurant"

"Care to vague it up for me?"

Gaara brushed his nose casually with the back of his hand- either he was investing in my methods of thought or some heroin had gotten stuck in his nose hairs.

"Somewhere nice, you'll love it," he answered finally. Someone's irritable.

You may be surprised to hear this but Taco Bell ranks 'somewhere nice' in my inner Zagat. We ended up in an expensive Italian restaurant that screamed The Godfather, minus the bullet holes, and meals that cost more than a whole month's rent. Which reminded me why I was out at dinner with a Boondock Saint and enticed my brain to come up with this catchy but obnoxious little jingle: _If he's paying, I'm staying_.

There's a dance too but I'll spare you that tragedy.

"Sooo," I said, awkwardly picking at my meal that was at least worth as much as my car, "what have you been up to since…" I mumbled and my pride fled the scene. What could I say? 'Hey, Gaara, what have you been up to since my idiot brother spiked your drink and I stole twenty bucks from your wallet?'

He looked up at me with an irritated expression on his face, "since your idiot brother spiked my drink and you stole twenty bucks from my wallet?" he asked sardonically.

I let out a sheepish chuckle, "uh yeah, since then", we were so alike it was uncanny. Two peas in an extremely spacious pod.

"Nothing really." His eyes bored in to mine, and he truly looked bored, his light green eyes glinting with irritation. I spent most of the night, a great deal of the night, the majority of the night and even a bit more when we were sitting in the car, drooling from his every meaningless gesture, watching his soft lips form words that were too amazing to comprehend, and living vicariously through his sideburns wondering how miraculous life would be if I could just touch his cheek everyday.

We were sitting in the car in front of my apartment for a while and neither of us moved, and although, I am a strong believer of 'no-sex-on-first-dates' and even more strongly rooted in 'no-sex-on-a-first-date-with-a-guy-you-haven't-seen-in-fifteen-years' but I wouldn't mind inviting him in for "coffee".

"Um…Thanks that was really fun. Uh I had a nice time and um would you like to come in for coffee?" I had managed to say.

He glared at me, "cut the crap." He said coldly.

"What crap?"

"You have the stuff. He said you had the stuff." Gaara said dangerously, his cold lips forming words against my earlobe.

"What the hell are you talking about!" I tried to sound tough but my voice gave it away, sputtering and stuttering like a retard. I think you may have me confused with your dealer. Note the lack of facial hair and bloodshot eyes.

"The skittle. The green one."

"WHAT? _I _HAVE THE SKITTLE!"

"So I've been told"

First immediate thought: NARUTO! And as I know most first thoughts are entirely wrong and usually stupid but I knew, deep down that I was right. Dead on. I could bet my life on it without flinching.

"NARUTO! UGH! Look, uh Gaara, I don't have it and Naruto set us up on this date thing and I don't have the skittle and so…"

I'm no good at talking to people. Essentially, I realized that when Gaara started to glare at me like I killed his entire family.

"Can I buy you a package of Skittles as an apology?" I tried.

Glaring of a lesser degree. It was a start. The plan: Get out of the car and walk the half a block to the nearest seven eleven, buy the king sized package of Skittles and walk to the apartment to kill Naruto. And as we're often told "in life, everything that _can_ go wrong _will_ go wrong" Who would have thought that the quote applied even to a task as simple as buying Skittles and walking to my apartment to kill Naruto the douche?

No one, that's who; it was an experience that made me really pray that No one was near by because obviously this person could help. No one is perfect, No one could predict the future, No one knew what I was thinking at that particular moment, and No one loved me. Sounds like my dream guy.

"Is this one okay?" I asked a grumpy Gaara who shook his head and glared at me as if I knew better.

"Why not?" I huffed and stomped my foot, it was all the same, Tropical Skittles, Smoothie Skittles, whatever.

"Because those suck. I want the original." He said in a voice that was a cross between whiney and dead serious.

"Geez, fine. I don't see why. Ever since the green is all missing and the orange flavored crap-skittle is replacing it I don't see why you'd want to even buy Skittles anymore. Well, except maybe to eat all the pink strawberry smoothie ones" I scoffed.

He scoffed right back at me, "the red ones are why I really eat Skittles."

"No, actually, the pink ones deserve all the credit." I said.

"Red."

"Purple."

"Red!"

"Purple!"

"Buy it or I'll rip your face off." He said.

I nodded weakly and paid for the package of Skittles. Gaara mumbled a quick 'thank you' under his breath before ripping open the package and pouring a handful of Skittles in to his cupped palm. I managed to smile briefly at him. His eyes suddenly widened and his mouth started to open and then suddenly clamped shut.

"Gaara?"

"I have it" he said, amazed, staring at his right hand like it just shared the secrets of the earth to him.

"Have what?" I looked strangely at him, "

"The Skittle. I have the Skittle." He said, still in shock.

"Uh yeah," I plucked a crap orange Skittle from his palm and flashed it in front of him, "so do I." I scowled and flicked the orange in to a the nearest sewage drain.

"No," he hissed in a low voice, "I have _the _Skittle. I have the green skittle."

"Oh." I said.

"Yeah." He said.

"HOLY SHIT! WE HAVE THE GREEN SKITTLE!" I suddenly screamed, flapping my arm up and down, violently.

"What do you mean 'we'?" Gaara said. Or might have said, I couldn't hear him too well because of the mob of people who had came to collect around Gaara, bearer of the modern world's only green Skittle.

"GAARA!" I screamed over the noise, "RUN!"

He looked back at me and nodding because hopefully he understood, he managed to slip away from the large group quickly before he broke out in to a full sprint. Hugging myself as I too pushed past the crowd. Someone jostled my elbow and a few seconds later another person latched on to my shoulder. I twisted violently around but their nails dug into my skin and I felt my feet rise off the ground. Suddenly a leather glove was shoved in my mouth and there was a sharp pain in my neck. My purse was ripped from my hands, my back was pressed up against a brick wall, and the shadows of three men appeared around me.

My exact thoughts: Oh shit. Where's Gaara?

Five minutes, one Old Spice soaked glove, and numerous muffled conversations later led me to believe this was one badly planned mugging. That and the fact I had exactly two dollars and a pack of Tic-Tacs in that purse.

So to say the least, and to say it without the endless ranting of curse words, I was taking entirely by surprise when I was hit on the head by a metal pipe and blood began pouring down my face.

My leg reflexively shot out and kicked the guy in front of me where it would do the most damage. He whimpered and fell to the ground, losing his grip on me. I quickly grabbed the metal pipe of the ground and it slid beneath my hands unsteadily, made slick form my own blood. The two guys moved cautiously around me, staying close to the alley walls and in the shadows, concealing their faces.

My exact thoughts: Where the feck is Gaara! My mind traveled faster than its little nerve synapses have traveled before.

"Where's the Skittle!" One masked mugger said to the other. My two attackers with the cliche matching ski masks looked around nervously. Something told me they had called to coordinate the all black ensembles. Behind every good mugger there is an equally impressive stylist.

They carried my near unconscious body to the nearest alley. And after that, my memory was kind of a blur. I heard screaming. I heard the sound of running. A clammy hand on my forehead and my eyes fluttered open.

"Gaara?" I said, weakly.

He nodded. I struggled to sit up but managed to without falling over. His eyes were the first thing I noticed, the kind of green that could be any shade you wanted depending on the time of day. Light green in the day, darker at night, and sparkling in the soft sliver of moonlight that managed to creep out from the sky in to the abandoned alley. His eyes. They were softened and maybe just a little worried.

"I'm uh fine, I just got um mugged and uh yeah," I tried to sound calm and normal about it. Even though there was nothing normal about the whole situation. Ice breakers were never my thing.

He didn't say anything. "Yeah, I'm definitely okay I just think now it's time to go home and kill Naru-" I was cut off. Mesmerized by the shimmering green that was somehow put in his eyes I barely realized he had both hands on either side of my face and his lips were on mine. His cold, soft mouth on mine, his tongue gently flitting between the soft crease that separated my lips. I pulled back, slowly, remembering I had to breathe, "b-But. Skittle. Where? Home. Naruto. Worried" My mouth was numb and I couldn't form complete, comprehendible sentences all because the coldness of his lips.

"Is that all you talk about? Naruto?" He asked, calmly.

I blushed and shook my head, "Bu-Bu-But the green and the skittle and the-"

Where was No One when you needed him? He'd know what I was trying to say.

For the second time in my life I was happy to be cut off by his smooth lips, letting my fingers entwine in his hair and granting his begging tongue entrance in to my mouth. What I didn't expect was a small, round object to be left on my tongue. I pulled back a little, and pulled the circular object. It was a skittle. A shiny, spit covered, faded Skittle. A shiny, spit covered, faded, **green **skittle, that is.

"Gaara?" I asked.

He didn't answer again; he just plucked the shiny skittle from my palm and put it in his mouth, chewed it, and swallowed. That was the end of the world's only green Skittle. And a thousand bucks.

"B-but-" I searched his eyes with mine.

He stared back, pushing two small, circular objects in to my palm and closed it, making my hand in to a fist. But before my mind could react my body was way ahead of me, taking his head in my arms, pushing him on top of me, and moving my lips in motion with his. It was wonderful. Not even a thousand dollars could have made me give that feeling up. He pulled back, his lips centimeters from mine, I felt his warm breath on my lips as he spoke, "Taste the rainbow?" he asked.

And in my palm were two Skittles. One pink one. One red one. I was starting to doubt if Gaara was really his name. No One was a much better fit.

"Sure, why not? We've got time, " I whispered, tracing his lips with my index finger in attempt to warm them up. I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him again. My very own No One. Well, almost--Gaara, he wasn't No One. He was Some One.

Yeah, horrible. I know. But I tried. Okay, next one shot (we told you it was long). A NejiSaku. I tried to pull offA goofy kinda Neji and a toughie Sakura in this one. Inspired to write this after reading Eman555's Kiss all your troubles away. An overload of cuteness! So of course, I had to try my hand at it.

Neji Hyuuga walked the earth much like an elephant walking on egg shells- the slightest misstep and he'd be plummeting in to the deep dark abyss and sucked in to the depths also known as death, right smack dab in the middle of the earth. He couldn't help his overactive imagination; he spent most of his life squinting in the future so he might spot ways in which the world was conspiring (at this very moment, perhaps) to kill him, his wife, Sakura, and now his newborn daughter, Yukie. Despite his paranoia, ceaseless fretting, he was never fully prepared for whatever blew his way.

"She's not breathing." Neji said.

"Yes, she is," Sakura argued, "do you want to hold her or not?"

Neji didn't answer he was far too busy counting each and every finger and toe on his baby girl's body. For some reason he kept on coming up with twenty-one and he'd already counted twice before.

"I'll still love her even with the extra finger," Neji murmured.

"She's perfectly normal."

"Or toe" he added.

"She's a beautiful, healthy baby girl." Sakura said, irritated.

"Or a tail."

"Look, you squirrel, I just gave birth to a healthy baby girl!" Sakura yelled. She called him squirrel because she was blaming him for Yukie's tail.

"They could have removed it and we would never have known," Neji whined. The y had made him stay out of the delivery room. "It's either him or me," Sakura had said, "one of us has got to go." He was sure he'd spotted a tail in the sonogram six months ago. Umbilical cord indeed! He'd kept a hard copy.

"Yukie, don't worry your papa isn't crazy he just hasn't slept in a few days." Sakura murmured softly to the baby in her lap, smiling.

"She's looking at me. Sakura, she's looking at me like I blew all her college money at the track and now she's going to have to turn tricks to get her MBA." Neji said.

"I don't think her eyes are even focused yet, doofus. Besides, she's a little young to be worrying about her MFA" Sakura said gently.

"MBA, Sakura, I hear they start very young these days. By the time I actually figure out how to get to the track she could be old enough. Oh God, your parents are going to hate me." Neji sighed unhappily, pacing back and forth.

"Go home, Neji." Sakura said.

Neji came down on a knee next to the flimsy metal hospital bed and took Yukie's tiny hand between his fingers. He put his head down and buried his head in the crook where the baby met Sakura's side. Sakura gently stroked his silky hair, "you need to go home and get some sleep." She whispered.

He nodded, "I better let you rest," he said. He began arranging Sakura's pink hair across the pillow and brought a huge lock of it and started to style it into a baby hair piece.

"It's okay if she can't grow hair. There was that angry Irish singer who was bald and she was attractive. If we could just get her tail we could transplant plugs from that."

"Neji, go home." Sakura warned.

"Your parents are going to blame me. Their tail-less, bald granddaughter turning tricks to get a business degree-it'll be all my fault." Neji shook his head sadly.

"Neji!"

"Okay, hold on," Neji fluffed her pillows, checked her water for bugs or particles, tucked in the blankets, kissed her forehead, kissed the baby's forehead, fluffed the baby then started to rearrange the flowers his aunt sent, moving the big sunflower in the front, accenting it with the pale baby's breath-

"NEJI!"

"I'm going. Wait. Do you need anything from home?"

"We're fine. We might not even need the fire extinguisher."

"It's better to have it and not need it than to ne-"Neji was cut off by the irritated Sakura.

"Get out of my room before I buzz in the nurse with the rattlesnake tattoo." Her voice was stern but she, Sakura, was smiling. Neji had to stop worrying for a moment and stare at her for a bit. He always liked her smile, it was like approval and permission at the same time; permission to be Neji Hyuuga.

It was what made him fall in love with her since that day five years in the clean, well-lighted book store she had worked at.

It was a windy day but not windy enough to complain about. Neji had come to seek shelter from the sudden gusts of wind that would cause his hair to suddenly disperse from its normal perfection. Sakura had granted him a small smile over the stack of Shojo manga she was stacking. Neji managed to convince himself it was because he was dripping with boy-ish chram when in fact it was just because his hair was horrendously wind-blown and mussed up.

"Your hair," Sakura giggled, as Neji decided to approach her.

"Yeah thanks."

"No, it's really messed up. Do you want a comb?" She asked.

Neji saw this as a chance, "No, I'm used to it. I'm Neji."

"Sakura" Sakura had said. They shook hands.

"Sakura, do you want to get a cup of coffee sometime?" Neji asked.

Sakura raised an eyebrow, "that depends, Neji. I'd need you to answer some questions."

"Ditto." Neji said, in his normally geeky, trying too hard way. He was thinking, what do you look like naked? And how long before I can check?

"Alright," she put down the copy of _Imadoki _she was holding and counted on her fingers,"Do you have a job, car, and a place to live? And are the last two the same thing?"

Neji scratched his head, "Um yes, yes, yes, and no."

"Excellent. Are you gay?"

"I asked you out." Neji pointed out.

"I can't say it hasn't happened before." She said, crisply.

"What? You're kidding." Neji said.

"Right answer. Okay, let's go get some coffee." Sakura agreed.

"Wait. What about _my _questions?" Neji crossed his arms and slightly frowned.

"Okay, shoot," Sakura rolled her eyes and sighed.

"I didn't really have any. I just didn't want you to think I was easy." Neji admitted.

"You asked me out thirty seconds after we met, doofus."

"Can you blame me?" Neji tried. He had to butter her up. He didn't want to ask his real questions. There was a reason why he was single.

"Ask me!" Sakura demanded.

"Okay," he blurted out, "is there any chance that after we talk, after we get to know each other that you'll like me?"

It didn't matter if he was trying to hard or that he was being so cliché. Sakura was defenseless against his geeky charm and she already had her answer. "Not a chance" she lied.

So now, five years later here they were, in a hospital room with their newborn daughter, Sakura holding up the buzzer as if her demands were not met the consequences would be dire. "Bye Neji," she said to him, puppeting her newborn's hand to wave her daddy goodbye.

Neji leaned forward and gently kissed her. Shaking his head slightly in disbelief, "you're a horrible liar, Sakura" he said

Sakura smiled slightly, her lips only pulled back a centimeter from his, "I said, goodbye Neji."

Neji frowned, "I just want the tail. She might want it when she gets older."

"Nurse!" Sakura yelled.

He never even saw one little glance of his little girl before the portly nurse with the rattlesnake tattoo showing through her sheer stockings threw him out of the hospital room. The nurse was living evidence supporting the fact that even _now,_ despite his paranoia, ceaseless fretting, Neji Hyuuga _still _was never fully prepared for whatever blew his way.

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Another horrible one shot. Nothing close to the Kawaii-ness of eman555's one shot. I guess these one shot things aren't really something I can pull off. Well, that was really long and hopefully that didn't really suck THAT much. Both One shots were originally fics I was planning on making… but I decided not to make. But sorry if it did suck and now you're going to have to projectile vomit all over the computer screen because it was so horrible. I can't help my own suckiness ; Anyways, on our livejournal(link in profile) you can now take a quiz to see if you're me or Christian. Tell us what you got. DO IT! DO IT NOW! Or after you read this…

Oh and also we just want to thank everyone for supporting us and all. We really love you. There will be a full list of all our thank yous, next update to show we really do love all of you, crazy fucks.

Oh and sorry if I'm not answering PM's or reviews. I'm really lazy, but don't worry, eventually I'll get around to it, I swear! But the reviews…I feel kind of guilty just saying 'thanks' and or adding something in completely random (or a question) probably because I'm not used to being complimented (thanks to parents who lovingly referring to me as 'bad girl') and you guys take time out of your day to review and I strongly believe you deserve some kind of feedback but on the other hand who wants to just see "THANKS!" in their inbox? It's like "Uh yeah, I know." So that's why if your review is just "I liked this chapter. Update soon." Expect no answer. I'm not trying to be mean, but I just can't think of anything to say besides "thanks I will" or something equally lame and that'd be boring. But if your review asks me questions or something that catches my eye I'll reply. Just so you know.

Thanks for sticking around with me for so long. I'm still waiting for people to figure out they made a mistake and be like "Wait a minute! Lauren sucks!" And all of a sudden flame my ass for being a 'tard. But so far it hasn't happened. Everyday that passes I truly get more amazed. All you people, who actually worry about my sanity (don't worry, I don't think I had any to begin with) my suicidal/homicidal/retarded tendencies (yes, I'm a 13 year old girl, I have emo tendencies and major mood swings), all you people who want to get to know me, talk to me I really appreciate it. I know there are a lot of stories about how kids talking to strangers on the internet get raped/kidnapped/killed/whatever but all of you are so nice. Even if you are all child molesters, which (hopefully) is a completely untrue. But even so, you guys are the nicest bunch of child molesters ever. Me and Christian both (are not child molesters either) thank you from the bottom of our black little hearts.

Love,

Asian ½ (Lauren)


	14. He's DEAD sexy!

**Little Miss Disaster**

_Sorry for late update. Needed to sort things out with my life and all that. School sucks. Gin-inu gave me some really good a long time ago on AIM. I don't remember it word for word but I think what basically she was trying to tell me is: **Don't let life get you down cuz this is how life is gonna be. To make life better it's up to you and how your attitude is.**_ _I think that's what she was trying to tell me (but in a cooler way) - it was some damn good advice for like 11 at night (well, in Hawaii, where I live-must've been later where she does). I'm taking her advice but damn these honors classes. Blame them for this lousy update that has Haku in it..._

We staggered slowly to the dorm room. Neji casually slammed his hand on the doorknob before I could even touch it.

"There's some thing…I have to tell you…" Neji said, nervously.

My eyes widened. When I first met Neji I would have pegged him for the type of guy that knocks up a girl in his dorm room right before he rushes off to meet his new female roommate-turned-fiancé at dinner with her parents. But that was old, judgmental me. Now I know better, "OH MY JESUS! WHO'D YOU KILL?"

"No one you don't already have on your hit list," Neji said, chuckling nervously, biting his thumbnail while pacing back and forth, "You see… Um there's this um guy and," he paused and glanced up at me and when he noticed I was looking at him funny he rolled his eyes, "I'm not gay!"

I snorted and he continued, "and this guy he's um kind of living in-"

That was all I heard. There was soft click. The door was opened and my gaze was met by hot fudge colored eyes, long brown hair to match, and a kind smile. Neji stopped talking.

"Neji?" I said, clutching to his sleeve.

"This guy! He! Staying! Proactive! Naked Twister!" Neji pointed and gaped. Apparently, this person was a guy and he was staying and in his spare time he likes to use proactive and play naked Twister. All I could think about was: proactive works! I mean you can't expect me to trust Diddy on this one. The world doesn't work that way. But after all Kelly Clarkson said it works and if she says it works…What? She was on American Idol, okay?

"I'm Haku," the guy said, extending his hand toward me, "pleasure to meet you."

"Um," I said intelligently staring at his hand, wondering what the hell am I supposed to do with it? "Hi. I'm Sakura. It's nice to meet you too." I decided to say.

He smiled. I smiled back. He smiled some more. I smiled back slightly less so, though. This went on for about five more minutes when I realized he had no intention of stopping and frowned. I stepped through the doorway and frowned when I realized Smiley was following.

"Uh hey, Haku, it was fun having you over and we should do it again," I looked up at him. Still smiling. Impossible. "Maybe after we've graduated and we all become successful plastic surgeons but uh right now I'm tired so good night to you my sweet prince I'm going to bed" I finished in one breath.

"I live here." Haku said.

"Excuse me?" I furrowed my eyebrows

"Didn't Neji tell you?" He chuckled softly for no reason, as most good-looking polite guys often do, and said, "I'm your new roommate."

I think my jaw broke because it just hit the floor. One bed. Three guys. One girl. We sound like we are four over-sexed boarding school students or the school is actually a figment of some Asian girl's imagination. Heh. Delusional much? And just for the record, I don't _try _to act this confused- it comes naturally.

"Yeah, I know I thought it was weird too," Haku smiled at me again, "but the Hyuuga family assured me that it was okay because you guys sleep together on a regular basis. And Gaara has been in the bathroom for the past four hours so I'll be taking the couch. All I'm asking is that you guys don't make too much noise."

"Okay! We won't, " I said cheerfully, as Haku turned away and I skipped happily to the kitchen.

I smiled happily at Neji, Ahh Neji, my future husband and devoted fiancé. Neji. HOW I WOULD FUCKING RIP THE SKIN OFF HIS BONES ONCE WE WERE ALONE.

"NEJI HYUUGA!" I screamed, pulling him by his ear and bursting open the bathroom door, "EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THIS HAKU GUY THINKS WE'RE SLEEPING TOGETHER!" I slammed the door and heard another whimper. Gaara. Huddled in the corner, hugging his knees to his chest whispering to himself. Why was this guy everywhere?

Neji scoffed "Psh. I should have known you were high maintenance when you wouldn't stop screaming after you got your eyebrow pierced."

"I was SLEEPING! You tried to pierce my eyebrow when I was sleeping!"

Neji shrugged, "I figured if you didn't want it you'd object."

"I was sleeping!"

"With me?" Neji tried.

"UGH! We're just **not **sleeping together." I snarled at Neji, kicking him where it would do the most damage, "And if it's not clear enough, I'm most DEFINTELY not sleeping with _you_." It was hard to stay mad at him but I needed to stay mad. I do angry very well, or so I'm told.

Neji doubled over on the cold tile floor. "We're sleeping in the same room which is technically sleeping together." He managed to squeak.

I glared, "Wrong answer!" I said, pulling a strand of his hair, "NOW YOU DIE!"

Neji whimpered and shut his eyes as I kicked him where his "lovely bunch of coconuts" resided repeatedly **(A/N "That was a lemon. No, seriously."-As KidManga would say XD) **Yes; now we all can rest assured that Neji has a lovely bunch of coconuts. I'm glad we got that settled.

Neji whined, "Why do we always have to fight in front of Gaara? You know how sensitive he is!"

"That's not what the tattoo on his forehead says!"

"Love, sensitivity, same damn thing!" Neji argued.

"Prude!" I sneered.

"Prune!" Neji retorted

"Fig you!" I screamed

"Up yours, rutabaga!" Neji shot back

"Kiss my sassafras!" I took a step forward.

"Don't make me go apricot on your ass!" Neji spat.

"Bring it!" I said.

Neji looked a bit frightened, his eyes widened with fear, "Maybe later."

"Oh! Hell yeah! In who's face? NEJI'S FACE!"

Neji pouted and I had to give in. It is hard to gloat and stay mad at a guy who can make a face that makes him look like a demented pit bull.

"Look, Neji let's just make one thing clear, " I said, "I get the bed and you can sleep on the floor."

"Maybe." He said.

I narrowed my eyes, "What're your terms, Hyuuga?"

"Admit I'm dead sexy." Neji said dreamily.

I glared, "No fucking way! You're out of your fucking mind!"

"Probably. So are you going to say it or not?"

"NO!"

"Well, I hope you don't have AIDS or anything because-"

I blurted out "Nejiisdeadsexy"

Neji smirked, "What was that?" He cupped his ear with his hand, "Did you say something?"

"Nejiisdeadsexy."

"Excuse me?" Neji smirked, taking a step closer, his ear centimeters away from my lips.

"Nejiisdeadsexy!"

"I can't hear you" Neji said, turning to look me in the eye and grinning slyly. His eyes were glinting with amusement. At that moment, for the first time I realized Neji Hyuuga had beautiful eyes. And long eyelashes that cast shadows across his face. And perfect porcelain skin that would make china dolls jealous. And rose colored lips. And he was almost touching me. It was too much. Because basically, the last five seconds boiled down to this: Neji Hyuuga _was_ dead sexy. Go figure.

"Oh fuck this! Take the bed!" I said, blushing.

Neji shrugged, "If you say so."

I shook my head profusely. Ew. Neji. Ew. Neji. Ew. I forced my head to look toward the ground. And on the ground was a trail of Skittles leading out of the bathroom. And at the end of the trail was the bed. With a Gaara in it.

"Still want that bed, Neji?" I smirked.

"Oh shut up." He said.

Yeah, I wanted to write something so uh yeah. I know it sucked, I'm fully aware of it. Anyways, just keep in mind that it was written under the influence of listening to nothing but the B-52's on a sugar high.

**On another note, I still haven't figured the pairings for this story. I know Sakura's engaged to Neji but that doesn't mean it's gonna be a NejiSakura. When I write anything can happen. So you guys have to pick the pairing. NejiSaku, GaaraSaku, hell I'm adding the HakuSaku even though I said it was "Slight". But whatever. So Vote. Tell me who Sakura should end up with. Neji, Gaara, or Haku. Review (with who Sakura should end up with) I need everyone who read's this story's vote.**


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